The Irresistible Wife

The sermon this week was The Irresistible Wife.

I figured I should really pay attention to this one as I obviously was Not Irresistible.

First point - Mother Second, Wife First

God is a God of order. He set an order to His creation. He made Adam first and the first relationship was between Adam and God. He then made Eve out of Adam. The second relationship was between Adam and Eve, husband and wife. Then the children came. We are to be a wife to our husbands first. Children should be second to our husbands. Children grow up and leave to have families of their own. When that happens what kind of relationship will we have as a couple if we have not put that relationship first throughout the children years?

How do I think I did?
I will admit that it is a tendency to put the children first. They start out totally helpless. They need guidance. They are cute.

I do think I put my husband first. While our lifestyle was homeschooling/attachment parenting, we did leave our children regularly with others so we could be just together. Just the two of us out and about.

Sometimes it was a struggle to not just talk about the kids when we were out. I usually caught myself if that was happening. I would ask about work. I would ask how he was doing. I would ask about his friends.

Second point - Respectful
I believe that I have respected my husband throughout our marriage.
Some of the examples Pastor shared did make me stop and think. Was I always respectful? Did my tone of voice show respect?
I can honestly say that the skit was not anything like our marriage.
I did ask my daughters if they thought I showed respect for their father. They all quickly responded YES. It was something they noticed. They said they never could understand how I could respect him even when he was wrong. They said I did not receive much respect back, but I did not demand or even require it.

How do I think I did?
I know that I respected my husband. I believed him at his word. I backed him up. I did not correct him in public or in front of the kids. I hope he knew that I respected him.

Third point - Submissive

I agree that being a submissive wife is part of God's plan for order. Submit is to arrange under.

How do I think I did?
Yes I was submissive in that I arranged myself under the authority of my husband. We did have disagreements in our marriage in the later years. I still submitted to his final decisions if we did not fully agree. I was not a doormat. We talked things through. We prayed about big decisions.
I know that some people important to me felt that I should have questioned him more. I had prayed about this and felt that silence and acceptance was the best choice for me. Looking back I would not change anything in this area of submission to my husband.


Fourth point - Willing Love maker

My body was his and his mine. We did not deprive one another. I think we did have a few dry spells but I think they were mutual. They were mostly periods of exhaustion for both or one or the other of us. I planned and initiated as much as he.

This is an area that I did not think we had a problem. I actually thought everything was going to be fine because behind the bedroom door was fine.

Fifth point - Inward and Outward Beauty

Of course this is a very difficult one to self evaluate. I tend to see the ugly parts. So again I asked my daughters. They said they think I am a peaceful and kind person. I will accept their viewpoint. I know that I have struggled with some minor depression here and there. I also know that I have struggled with anger and discontent. I do not wear a lot of makeup but my husband has told me he likes the clean face look. I did not shop for clothes or shoes very often but my clothes are clean and in good repair.

Sixth point - Fun

Pastor talked about doing things together. He said having some common interests was very vital to a good marriage. Wives are not his mother or holy spirit.

How do I think I did?

We had weekly dates during most of our marriage. We would go to the movies, or just dinner. We mostly would just go somewhere and chat. The beach was our favorite place. When the girls were older we would take advantage of youth group nights to go sit at the beach or just drive around.

I watched all sports with him. My brother played baseball and football so I had a basic understanding of both games. Basketball was a little harder for me but he was not a big basketball fan. We shared a love of music and worship ministry. I would sometimes just go with him to preview houses so we could just be together. We laughed and had our inside jokes and songs.

Seventh point - Encourager

I see this as a weakness in me. However many friends and family have told me that I am a great encouragement. My husband has said I have encouraged him to reach for his dreams. I was willing to step back and take care of the home and be frugal so he could be self employed. He was not happy working a regular 9-5 job. I thought I was encouraging when he wanted to lose weight. He said I was upset that I couldn't seem to lose as quickly and he took it as not encouraging him. If only I had known that at the time. I was annoyed for me but always glad for him.


I am not sure exactly where I went wrong in my marriage. Pastor made several comments regarding men who look outside of the marriage for emotional validation. I still do not know what I could have done different. My husband has said that I didn't do anything wrong. He said there was nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything. I hope he is right.

If  I was getting a do-over

I would probably not take him for granted. I never thought I needed to be concerned that he would leave. I so fully loved and trusted him that even though deep down I thought I was not worthy to be loved I thought he would always be there. I had deep insecurities about myself but not him. If I could go back in time I would be stronger and more sure of my own worth. I still would give him my love and trust. I just can't imagine being in a marriage without trust.

I would be more careful about my own appearance. I would get rid of stuff more often and would not let him see if it was hard for me.

I would definitely make sure I knew more about our finances. I would still have allowed him to run the finances if he wanted but I would insist on knowing. I am a capable woman financially and now I  have to fix my own credit because of me not knowing what was going on financially in my own marriage. I am not sure how this could have been done better without finances becoming a huge disagreement but I sure as heck would find a way.

I would be bolder. I am by nature a peace maker and sometimes put peace above absolute truth from others in my life. I have serious difficulty discerning lies from those I love. I can spot it in strangers and acquaintances but not those close to me. I always give the benefit of the doubt. Unless I knew for sure it was a lie I believed it. This is true with all of my close relationships so this is one I can work on. I just don't want to become suspicious of everyone and everything. I have been reading up on body language clues and speech clues in liars and its starting to help me with certain 2 and 5 year old. That's a start at least.

I would hug in public. I would say more affirming things. I probably would not share my pain because in the last years of my marriage it made him angry with me. I would probably not tell him about things I was thinking or my dreams. I would keep a part of me walled away. I think I relied on him too much. I told him everything, I mean everything. What happened, where I was, what I was thinking, what I was feeling, Everything.

But there are no do-overs in life. So...

I will heal.
I will live.
I will love my God with all my heart, soul and mind.
I will worship.
I will laugh.
I will love.
I will trust.
I will still be me. (and probably still share way more than you want to know)

So this is how it feels...

Let me start off with I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT

But I have always tried to be a good person, a good wife, a good parent.

So this is how it feels to be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash.

I always submitted in the big things and most of the little things. I never even thought I had anything to be concerned about my husband's love and loyalty for me. I never once thought about not being married to him. He was my first in every way.

I always tried to be fair with the kids. I tried to understand where they were coming from when they did or said something wrong. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt if I didn't know for sure.

I have one child who has tried to hurt me in every way possible. Lies, continued lies, physical abuse towards me, lies, and did I say others in authority believe her lies. They did not ask me if they were true, they just believed what she said. I have been through hell and back because of the lies. They did not believe anything I, my husband or other children had to say. Just her lies. Even through it I tried to reach out to her and understand why. Even now she continues with the lies and tries to just hurt me.

My husband "fell in love" with someone else. He has left me. He has left me with no money, no home, no way for me to support myself. He says it's not my fault and there is nothing I could have done differently. I married him when I was barely 20. It has been 32 years of faithfulness on my part. Oh but his family said they cared. They said it would all be ok.

I have not worked since before I was married. I have no career to fall on. Even Walmart didn't want to hire me. They say I am too smart to work there but don't have the experience to get into management. My children and father have been paying what little bills I have. Just a phone and one storage unit. My friends have helped by storing some of my possessions.

My daughter has taken me in with her household. She is newly a single mom of two. She still has not found a full time job. She works all the time. Applying for jobs, starting her photography business, selling jeans at boutiques and home parties... she has offered her services consulting and mentoring. She is up until 1 or 2 am every day.

But I guess we aren't trying hard enough. We are supposed to lower our standards.

How much lower? We can't move into anything smaller than a 2 bedroom. We have looked at apartments that are only 800 square feet with no laundry or garage. So we didn't want to live in the apartment that was covered in graffiti. That does not seem safe for two women and two children to me. We are looking in all of Orange County and also Lakewood. Long Beach is higher priced and impossible to run a business because of the extreme cost from the city. Are we supposed to move to a questionable area where we might not be safe? We only have one car. That means the kids and I need to be in an area that we can walk outside to go to the market. Or the laundry if no hookups in apartment. Has anyone ever come with us to see what we have looked at? No. Has anyone ever had to use a laundromat with two small children when there is sickness? No. Has anyone ever tried to rent something with no job? That's where it gets really tricky. Even if someone else is offering rent for a few months would you rent to someone with no job?

Obviously I am worthless to many people. I already knew what society in general felt about a stay at home mom. I did have clues to what my extended family felt. They would suggest jobs. But he always told me not to listen. He said homeschooling and being there for the children was the best job. I loved my job. I even knew that many of my church family felt I was lazy not working outside of the home.

But did anyone know exactly what I did do? I fostered over 30 children. I homeschooled through graduation. I went without for myself. I scrimped and saved always for him and the children. I made money doing home parties throughout the years ie. Tupperware, Discovery Toys, Pampered Chef, Creative Circle. I cooked from scratch. I sewed. I cleaned my own house and tried to keep the yards in shape. I learned computers on my own. I learned Publisher and Photoshop on my own and published yearbooks for homeschool groups. I was a Girl Scout leader for 20 years. I became a Girl Scout trainer for other adults that wanted to lead. Those are the highlights...

My children have all learned to be self sufficient. All can learn new skills and will take that throughout their lives. All know the Bible and know about God's character. They are able to discern truth in this life. Even though I obviously was weak at discerning truth, I just believed what people said.

It is very scary to be tossed out into the world without any safety net. I feel like I have lost so much already. Maybe God wants me to have nothing. I don't know. I know I have 3 daughters who love me. I have 2 grandchildren who need me right now. I don't think women were made for this kind of stress. I feel like crying at the least trigger. My daughter has lost a quarter size chunk of hair, had shingles, been to the ER twice and has an ulcer. I feel so bad that she has the added burden of me on her plate. I know I can help with the children and I can be low maintenance but it shouldn't be her responsibility.


Well there it is...and some of you wondered why I haven't written in so long. I am still not sure I should be publishing this but...

My faith in God is stronger than before...He has given me peace throughout...I am still able to worship Him.
I have wavering but I refuse to allow fear to take over. I know He will get me through this. I just have no idea how or when.

Love others as you love yourself

Apparently I put out to people that I don't love myself enough.
I am sorry some of you think that is true.
It is not true.

I care about myself. I also care about others.

Why is that a conflict?

I will share some more about myself and maybe you will understand that I am doing what I love.

I love singing and worship.

I am on the worship team at church.
I get to practice every week. If you can call worshiping with the team practice.

I love reading.
I read every day.
I read my Bible every day.
I read some select news articles every day.

I have a huge library in storage, yes it has been cut by over half but it is still huge.
I have acquired a huge library on Kindle since my real books are in storage.
I read magazines anytime I find one. I have subscriptions on Zinio to some of my favorite magazines.

I love teaching.
I had the privilege of teaching my children, two of them all the way through high school.
They are successful young adults. All of them went to college and are succeeding.
I now have the privilege to teach my grandchildren.

I enjoy learning.
I attend Bible studies with other women.
I get to plan lessons and research curriculum to help my daughter direct her children's education.
I learn something every day.

I love sewing, stitchery, knitting.
I am currently working on a counted cross stitch.
It is difficult with small children around but that doesn't mean I don't pull it out here and there and work on it.

There is a time and season for everything.
I may not be doing what I thought I would be doing now but God is watching over me.
God will take care of me and he gives me peace and joy every day.
God sees the whole picture. I only see a small part. You only see a small part.

I just finished reading Ecclesiastes and I enjoy life as it comes. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. There is no sense worrying about tomorrow. I do not have control of the future.
I have control over myself. I can choose to control my emotions, actions and motives.
Ecclesiastes 12  It is all meaningless. Fear God and obey his commands. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.

Just stop Judging...

Why is it that people assume it must be the wife's fault if a man strays?

The person who strays had a choice.
They could have chosen to remain faithful.

Seriously, what do you really think a wife must have done or not done to cause a husband to walk away?
How do you think she feels? Isn't she hurt enough without the added burdens and accusations from her brothers and sisters in Christ?

Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps she trusted and believed her man would never do this?
Is it that difficult to understand that a wife really thought her marriage was good?
When finding out is it really impossible to forgive and believe it was over and the marriage being rebuilt?

Did you already know about it? Why didn't you say something to her? Did you really believe she knew and was just allowing it?

I just don't understand why Christians judge others without really knowing anything. Have you ever bothered to ask?

It really seems unloving to decide that when one spouse decides to be unfaithful and continue to be unfaithful that the spouse who has remained faithful take the blame.

Why do you think I don't serve God?

I guess I just don't understand.

I don't judge your walk with God. I accept your word that you serve Him and walk with Him daily. Why do Christians feel the need to judge other Christians?

I know we are not to judge the world as they are in the darkness so why would we expect them to walk as if they are in the light. But what have I done or said to imply that I am in the darkness? I am not good at confrontation. That is the personality God knit into me when He formed me. I can be bold when I need to be bold for Christ. He does not seem to give me boldness just for my own self protection but when His Word needs to be spoken. I love the Lord my God with all of my heart, mind and soul. It wounds me when Christians truly believe I don't.

I realize that we are to lovingly confront a brother or sister in Christ when they stumble into the dark. Lovingly is a key part of this concept. Why would my brother or sister want to come back into the light if there is punishment and condemnation in return for repentance?

The Lord Jesus Christ said that in this world we will have trouble. Sometimes it is not sin on my part that trouble has come...

I accept the consequences when I have sinned. I also accept the grace afforded me. Jesus did not pay the price lightly and I do not accept it lightly but with sincere gratitude. I am also humbled by the fact that He paid this price even if just for me alone.

I am not a perfect person. I have never claimed to be perfect. I have never thought to be perfect. I have past pain and wounds just like you. I strive to be like My Lord Jesus Christ. He says to forgive those who hurt you. Why would anyone think that either A - I am blinded and need to see the light because I have forgiven others or B- I am in denial of being hurt?

God has given me peace in this time of trial and no man can take away what God has given. My God is big enough to take care of me and I certainly have learned in my life that I should not stand in the way or take over. I love the Word and desire to immerse myself all the time. (by the way just because I can't quote the book and verse does not mean I do not know the Word, I have finally accepted that this is just another way God made me when I was formed.)

I have examined myself and do so often. I have not failed the test. Can you say the same? I will not be the one to examine you or judge you. Only you can examine yourself and only God will be your final judge. I will love you no matter what because God has grown this love inside of me. Please do not misunderstand this to be prideful. I could not love and forgive others without the Spirit within me. I could not do this if I allow myself to get in the way. The pain I feel when Christians judge others and want to punish others is not for myself as much as it is for others. I am confident in my faith and walk with the Lord. I am ever concerned for my fellow brothers and sisters that they do not fall away and become lost forever.

Please do not take this personally any of my dear ones. This is something that has been simmering in my thoughts for a very long time. Nothing any one of you dear loved brothers and sisters has said or done have pushed me over the edge. I just feel led to express my thoughts regarding this issue and even though I would prefer to remain private I feel an urgency to warn and encourage. We are in the last days even still and need to be alert and ready. My heart feels a heavy burden and wants to gather you all like chicks under the HUGE bosom of God for safety and protection.

Why Do We Hurt Each Other Like That?

Why?


I really want to know. Why?
Why does one part of the body hurt another part of the same body? Shouldn't we build each other up? Why are we the ones who bring the pain and condemnation to our brothers and sisters? I weep with sorrow over the pain all around me. Why?

I know that we live in a fallen, sinful world. I see persecution from the world on the body of Christ. But why does the body of Christ inflict pain on itself? Make it stop! Please make it stop! I am begging you to think before you speak. I beg of you to stop and think before you judge another. Are you without sin yourself? Do you really believe God told you to kick one of His little children when they are already falling down? Just STOP IT!

Why?

Why do Christians hurt other Christians? Aren't we supposed to love one another and bear each others burdens? What are we showing the world about Christ? What are they thinking when they see the pain we cause our own? Why would anyone want to know Christ if this is what they get?

Or are we just more hurt because Christians should know better? Do we expect too much? Is the pain worse because we allowed these people to see the real us and they used it against us?
Or are we just too sensitive? Is it just pride?

I really think we need to start showing a little more compassion to others. Not just the sinners who don't know any better but the Christian who slips up but is repentant. I think it's time to stop being so judgemental regarding non-essentials to the faith. Do you know exactly where someone else is in their walk with Christ? Are you so prideful yourself that you really think you know what another person's motives are?

Do we even try to understand the pain or stresses our sisters in Christ deal with every day? What makes us think our stuff is bigger than their stuff? Or that they brought it all on themselves?

I know that there are consequences to actions and decisions people make. I just think that maybe we should try to allow others to work through with God's help. I am not saying to allow others to take advantage or walk all over you. I don't mean allow the goats to distract the sheep from God. I just think we sheep need to cut the other sheep a little slack.