So this is how it feels...

Let me start off with I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT

But I have always tried to be a good person, a good wife, a good parent.

So this is how it feels to be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash.

I always submitted in the big things and most of the little things. I never even thought I had anything to be concerned about my husband's love and loyalty for me. I never once thought about not being married to him. He was my first in every way.

I always tried to be fair with the kids. I tried to understand where they were coming from when they did or said something wrong. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt if I didn't know for sure.

I have one child who has tried to hurt me in every way possible. Lies, continued lies, physical abuse towards me, lies, and did I say others in authority believe her lies. They did not ask me if they were true, they just believed what she said. I have been through hell and back because of the lies. They did not believe anything I, my husband or other children had to say. Just her lies. Even through it I tried to reach out to her and understand why. Even now she continues with the lies and tries to just hurt me.

My husband "fell in love" with someone else. He has left me. He has left me with no money, no home, no way for me to support myself. He says it's not my fault and there is nothing I could have done differently. I married him when I was barely 20. It has been 32 years of faithfulness on my part. Oh but his family said they cared. They said it would all be ok.

I have not worked since before I was married. I have no career to fall on. Even Walmart didn't want to hire me. They say I am too smart to work there but don't have the experience to get into management. My children and father have been paying what little bills I have. Just a phone and one storage unit. My friends have helped by storing some of my possessions.

My daughter has taken me in with her household. She is newly a single mom of two. She still has not found a full time job. She works all the time. Applying for jobs, starting her photography business, selling jeans at boutiques and home parties... she has offered her services consulting and mentoring. She is up until 1 or 2 am every day.

But I guess we aren't trying hard enough. We are supposed to lower our standards.

How much lower? We can't move into anything smaller than a 2 bedroom. We have looked at apartments that are only 800 square feet with no laundry or garage. So we didn't want to live in the apartment that was covered in graffiti. That does not seem safe for two women and two children to me. We are looking in all of Orange County and also Lakewood. Long Beach is higher priced and impossible to run a business because of the extreme cost from the city. Are we supposed to move to a questionable area where we might not be safe? We only have one car. That means the kids and I need to be in an area that we can walk outside to go to the market. Or the laundry if no hookups in apartment. Has anyone ever come with us to see what we have looked at? No. Has anyone ever had to use a laundromat with two small children when there is sickness? No. Has anyone ever tried to rent something with no job? That's where it gets really tricky. Even if someone else is offering rent for a few months would you rent to someone with no job?

Obviously I am worthless to many people. I already knew what society in general felt about a stay at home mom. I did have clues to what my extended family felt. They would suggest jobs. But he always told me not to listen. He said homeschooling and being there for the children was the best job. I loved my job. I even knew that many of my church family felt I was lazy not working outside of the home.

But did anyone know exactly what I did do? I fostered over 30 children. I homeschooled through graduation. I went without for myself. I scrimped and saved always for him and the children. I made money doing home parties throughout the years ie. Tupperware, Discovery Toys, Pampered Chef, Creative Circle. I cooked from scratch. I sewed. I cleaned my own house and tried to keep the yards in shape. I learned computers on my own. I learned Publisher and Photoshop on my own and published yearbooks for homeschool groups. I was a Girl Scout leader for 20 years. I became a Girl Scout trainer for other adults that wanted to lead. Those are the highlights...

My children have all learned to be self sufficient. All can learn new skills and will take that throughout their lives. All know the Bible and know about God's character. They are able to discern truth in this life. Even though I obviously was weak at discerning truth, I just believed what people said.

It is very scary to be tossed out into the world without any safety net. I feel like I have lost so much already. Maybe God wants me to have nothing. I don't know. I know I have 3 daughters who love me. I have 2 grandchildren who need me right now. I don't think women were made for this kind of stress. I feel like crying at the least trigger. My daughter has lost a quarter size chunk of hair, had shingles, been to the ER twice and has an ulcer. I feel so bad that she has the added burden of me on her plate. I know I can help with the children and I can be low maintenance but it shouldn't be her responsibility.


Well there it is...and some of you wondered why I haven't written in so long. I am still not sure I should be publishing this but...

My faith in God is stronger than before...He has given me peace throughout...I am still able to worship Him.
I have wavering but I refuse to allow fear to take over. I know He will get me through this. I just have no idea how or when.