My prayer and hope in time of sorrow

I am sad today.

Our piano player from church who was also a very good friend passed away right before Thanksgiving. I miss him. I miss his music. I miss his laugh and ironic sense of humor. I miss his encouragement.

Just days later a friend lost her battle with cancer. She was well loved by everyone who knew her. The memorial service was packed on a weekday.

A sweet friend is going through a terrible tragedy. She lost her 3 year old granddaughter and her son-in-law is in critical condition. They were hit by a car while waiting at a bus stop. Her daughter was also there. I can't imagine the trauma of seeing this horrendous accident that took a child and almost took an husband.

These events have not only affected me. My daughters were all hit with them too. The last one has touched my grandson also.

These are the times when we need each other. These are the times when God draws us closer to both himself and to others.

It is ok to be sad. Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time to weep. We are to weep with those who weep. Jesus himself wept over the loss of a friend. This is a time of weeping.

The sun will shine again. We will not be sad forever.

We will suffer loss again. We do not know when but it will come again.

My prayer is that we learn to grieve and also rejoice.
All three are now sitting with Christ in heaven. It makes my heart glad to know that while their families are sad and grieve the loss of their loved ones they also have the assurance that they can see them again in heaven. 
This is of course if they also have given their lives to Christ. It is a free gift offered to all.
It can be an easy decision or it may be a struggle for power.
It is not easy to give up your own will for the will of God.
It is not always easy to trust in God.
It is not easy to be broken so Christ can make you new again in His image.

My prayer is that we make sure the people we love know about Christ.
We must be sure that they are offered His free gift.
We must live a life that others will want to know what we know, to have what we have.

My prayer is for those who are in the midst of grief right now.
May we be sensitive to their grief.
May we come along side of them and just sit with them.
May peace be brought to them in the midst of tragedy and sadness.

My prayer is for myself.
May I be able to empathize with others and be patient.
May I be able to be the hands and feet of my Lord and Savior to others in my life.

So this is how it feels...

Let me start off with I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT

But I have always tried to be a good person, a good wife, a good parent.

So this is how it feels to be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash.

I always submitted in the big things and most of the little things. I never even thought I had anything to be concerned about my husband's love and loyalty for me. I never once thought about not being married to him. He was my first in every way.

I always tried to be fair with the kids. I tried to understand where they were coming from when they did or said something wrong. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt if I didn't know for sure.

I have one child who has tried to hurt me in every way possible. Lies, continued lies, physical abuse towards me, lies, and did I say others in authority believe her lies. They did not ask me if they were true, they just believed what she said. I have been through hell and back because of the lies. They did not believe anything I, my husband or other children had to say. Just her lies. Even through it I tried to reach out to her and understand why. Even now she continues with the lies and tries to just hurt me.

My husband "fell in love" with someone else. He has left me. He has left me with no money, no home, no way for me to support myself. He says it's not my fault and there is nothing I could have done differently. I married him when I was barely 20. It has been 32 years of faithfulness on my part. Oh but his family said they cared. They said it would all be ok.

I have not worked since before I was married. I have no career to fall on. Even Walmart didn't want to hire me. They say I am too smart to work there but don't have the experience to get into management. My children and father have been paying what little bills I have. Just a phone and one storage unit. My friends have helped by storing some of my possessions.

My daughter has taken me in with her household. She is newly a single mom of two. She still has not found a full time job. She works all the time. Applying for jobs, starting her photography business, selling jeans at boutiques and home parties... she has offered her services consulting and mentoring. She is up until 1 or 2 am every day.

But I guess we aren't trying hard enough. We are supposed to lower our standards.

How much lower? We can't move into anything smaller than a 2 bedroom. We have looked at apartments that are only 800 square feet with no laundry or garage. So we didn't want to live in the apartment that was covered in graffiti. That does not seem safe for two women and two children to me. We are looking in all of Orange County and also Lakewood. Long Beach is higher priced and impossible to run a business because of the extreme cost from the city. Are we supposed to move to a questionable area where we might not be safe? We only have one car. That means the kids and I need to be in an area that we can walk outside to go to the market. Or the laundry if no hookups in apartment. Has anyone ever come with us to see what we have looked at? No. Has anyone ever had to use a laundromat with two small children when there is sickness? No. Has anyone ever tried to rent something with no job? That's where it gets really tricky. Even if someone else is offering rent for a few months would you rent to someone with no job?

Obviously I am worthless to many people. I already knew what society in general felt about a stay at home mom. I did have clues to what my extended family felt. They would suggest jobs. But he always told me not to listen. He said homeschooling and being there for the children was the best job. I loved my job. I even knew that many of my church family felt I was lazy not working outside of the home.

But did anyone know exactly what I did do? I fostered over 30 children. I homeschooled through graduation. I went without for myself. I scrimped and saved always for him and the children. I made money doing home parties throughout the years ie. Tupperware, Discovery Toys, Pampered Chef, Creative Circle. I cooked from scratch. I sewed. I cleaned my own house and tried to keep the yards in shape. I learned computers on my own. I learned Publisher and Photoshop on my own and published yearbooks for homeschool groups. I was a Girl Scout leader for 20 years. I became a Girl Scout trainer for other adults that wanted to lead. Those are the highlights...

My children have all learned to be self sufficient. All can learn new skills and will take that throughout their lives. All know the Bible and know about God's character. They are able to discern truth in this life. Even though I obviously was weak at discerning truth, I just believed what people said.

It is very scary to be tossed out into the world without any safety net. I feel like I have lost so much already. Maybe God wants me to have nothing. I don't know. I know I have 3 daughters who love me. I have 2 grandchildren who need me right now. I don't think women were made for this kind of stress. I feel like crying at the least trigger. My daughter has lost a quarter size chunk of hair, had shingles, been to the ER twice and has an ulcer. I feel so bad that she has the added burden of me on her plate. I know I can help with the children and I can be low maintenance but it shouldn't be her responsibility.


Well there it is...and some of you wondered why I haven't written in so long. I am still not sure I should be publishing this but...

My faith in God is stronger than before...He has given me peace throughout...I am still able to worship Him.
I have wavering but I refuse to allow fear to take over. I know He will get me through this. I just have no idea how or when.

Love others as you love yourself

Apparently I put out to people that I don't love myself enough.
I am sorry some of you think that is true.
It is not true.

I care about myself. I also care about others.

Why is that a conflict?

I will share some more about myself and maybe you will understand that I am doing what I love.

I love singing and worship.

I am on the worship team at church.
I get to practice every week. If you can call worshiping with the team practice.

I love reading.
I read every day.
I read my Bible every day.
I read some select news articles every day.

I have a huge library in storage, yes it has been cut by over half but it is still huge.
I have acquired a huge library on Kindle since my real books are in storage.
I read magazines anytime I find one. I have subscriptions on Zinio to some of my favorite magazines.

I love teaching.
I had the privilege of teaching my children, two of them all the way through high school.
They are successful young adults. All of them went to college and are succeeding.
I now have the privilege to teach my grandchildren.

I enjoy learning.
I attend Bible studies with other women.
I get to plan lessons and research curriculum to help my daughter direct her children's education.
I learn something every day.

I love sewing, stitchery, knitting.
I am currently working on a counted cross stitch.
It is difficult with small children around but that doesn't mean I don't pull it out here and there and work on it.

There is a time and season for everything.
I may not be doing what I thought I would be doing now but God is watching over me.
God will take care of me and he gives me peace and joy every day.
God sees the whole picture. I only see a small part. You only see a small part.

I just finished reading Ecclesiastes and I enjoy life as it comes. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. There is no sense worrying about tomorrow. I do not have control of the future.
I have control over myself. I can choose to control my emotions, actions and motives.
Ecclesiastes 12  It is all meaningless. Fear God and obey his commands. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.

Just stop Judging...

Why is it that people assume it must be the wife's fault if a man strays?

The person who strays had a choice.
They could have chosen to remain faithful.

Seriously, what do you really think a wife must have done or not done to cause a husband to walk away?
How do you think she feels? Isn't she hurt enough without the added burdens and accusations from her brothers and sisters in Christ?

Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps she trusted and believed her man would never do this?
Is it that difficult to understand that a wife really thought her marriage was good?
When finding out is it really impossible to forgive and believe it was over and the marriage being rebuilt?

Did you already know about it? Why didn't you say something to her? Did you really believe she knew and was just allowing it?

I just don't understand why Christians judge others without really knowing anything. Have you ever bothered to ask?

It really seems unloving to decide that when one spouse decides to be unfaithful and continue to be unfaithful that the spouse who has remained faithful take the blame.

Til you wear the shoes

What  motivates someone to judge another person's actions?
Is it compassion?
Is it love?
Or is it jealousy, pride, arrogance and selfishness?


It seems to be the latter more often.

Why?

Have you really tried to put yourself aside?
Have you really?

Do you ever really know another person's motives and thoughts?

Can you consider a different perspective?

Can you admit that you may be wrong?

I think that as a Christian it is my responsibility to show compassion.
I want to be as loving as Christ.
I want to set aside my jealousy, pride and arrogance.
I want to understand people and meet them where they are at that moment.

I am sometimes successful.
I sometimes fail.

I am sorry when I fail others. I will try harder to understand.
I will give others the benefit of the doubt.
I choose to believe their motives to be good.

It really hurts when others misjudge my motives.
It really hurts when others judge my actions wrongly.
It especially hurts when it is people whom I thought knew me and understood me make judgements that are not true.

I imagine it must have been painful for Jesus when people misjudged His actions.
It must have hurt when He was judged wrongly by people.
It must have been extremely painful when Judas, one of His chosen disciples turned against Him.

Jesus was perfect. He had no wrong motives. EVER
He always set aside jealousy, pride and arrogance.
He understands and accepts me where I am at that very moment.

We can show love for others by attempting to walk in their shoes.
When we accept people right where they are at that moment we have the opportunity to show them a small glimpse of how God loves them.

How do we walk in our neighbor's shoes?
Their shoes won't fit us.
Their shoes may be uncomfortable.
Their shoes may not be our style.

It's ok.
We don't have to wear them for long to get some understanding.

Let's get practical now.
First pray daily for God to give you understanding.
When you pray for your loved ones, pray that you can be a blessing to them.
When you pray for the lost, pray that you may be a refreshing break in their day.
Pray for peace and patience.

When you are interacting with anyone try to not be reactive.
When someone says something sharp or outright mean, don't take it personally.
It is probably not about you but about them.

Remind yourself that perception is different for everyone. We don't see things exactly the same. We can be in the same place at the same time and still perceive what happened differently.
Sometimes we are very close seeing things and other times you will wonder if you were really in the same room.

It is easier to practice on strangers and acquaintances than those who are close to you.
However, we must practice more on those who are close. We need to be the hands and feet of Christ.

 

Love

Have you ever wondered about Love?

How do we follow the Lord's command to love others?

Does that mean I have to love people I don't really like?

Why?

I have been pondering Love. I want to love others. I want to be able to love the prickly ones. I want to be able to love the ones who hurt me. I want to be able to love those who don't like me. I want to be able to love those who hate me.

It sounds like it should be so easy. Loving others is a choice. I decide to love and therefore it's done. Right?

It's easy to love those who love me. It's easy to love others who treat me well. It's easy to love an obedient child.

It's not so easy when people are difficult or prickly or just having a bad day.

I have spent years trying to love others the way Christ commands.

I can't do it. I've tried and I just can't do it.

I start the day with good intentions. I end the day with regrets. It's just not easy to love others all the time.

Perhaps we need to stop trying to love on our own.

Maybe we need to stop trying so hard to do this in our own human power.

If I can surrender all of me to Christ He can love others through me.

It's a process still ongoing...

I surrender and suddenly am filled with such peace and love for others. The more I surrender the more I understand. The more I understand the more I actually feel love for others.

I don't have to try to love others anymore. Christ has filled me with His love for others and I find examples every day.

Of course there are those moments when I grab it back and try to do things on my own but God is so gracious towards me that he guides me back to full surrender.

I want you to know that you can have the love and peace that only comes from God. It is impossible on your own. You must surrender yourself to Christ completely.

Surrender your possessions, your children, your spouse. God is so much more capable to care for them than you. Surrender your thoughts, your activities, your church. Surrender it all, every day. God loves you so much. He will take care of you. Surrender your pain, your fears, your bitterness, your rage. It may take time. Surrender your time to Him. It may be hard. Surrender your will to Him.

You may lose possessions. You may lose people dear to you. You may lose your activities. You may lose your church family.

God loves you.

He will heal you and restore you.

He loves you.

You will surely lose your pain, your fears, your bitterness and rage.

God loves you.

What a wondrous thing to be free in this life. What a glorious thing to know a God who loves so much. I can only show a glimpse of the love God has for us. 

So...Are you wondering about Love?

Can you follow God's command to love others?

Can you love those who are hard to love?

Can you tell me why?

A Glimpse of Today

Ok God, I'm still waiting...

I'm just a little homesick while waiting.

Hmm

I thought I was getting to the easier part of life.

Patience my dear child. I love you and only want the best for you.

I know God but I'm getting tired. I don't want to be a burden to others. I don't want to be useless. I want you to use me somehow.

My dear husband is probably tired of waiting too. He has so much more patience than I. The trials are so much heavier on his shoulders than on mine. I will continue to be patient and wait for him to be ready. I will try to be as light a burden as possible. I will try to be useful.

Thank you God for loving me.