Privilege

Note I wrote this years ago but am only now brave enough to post it. I have taken time to examine my own attitudes and to listen to people of all ethnicities. It still applies and is still my opinion.

Let me just put it out there. 

I'm white, Caucasian, predominately European decendent, just a sprinkle of Native American.

I am privileged through nothing I have done or have to do. No action on my part has brought me privilege.

I have done extensive research on my own family tree. I have some very strong lines that have been proven and researched by many genealogists. There is history in my family tree. 

I can learn from the history of my family. I can learn from the errors of others. I can also take pride in the history of my family. I can pass down the faith of my ancestors. I can pass down the determination of our ancestors. We can continue to challenge and change the status quo of the now.

My ancestors came here because of religious persecution. They came here for a better life for their children.They came to escape their own stupidity and have a fresh new start. They came to share the Gospel with the lost. I can use their stories to encourage love for all people.

I'm sure we had some bad seeds along the way but their names and history have been lost in history.

My ancestors fought against slavery from the very start. My ancestors hated slavery. My ancestors tirelessly worked to end this evil practice in this country. My ancestors preached against it, fought against it. My ancestors used their money to fight it. My ancestors passed laws against it. My ancestors married without regard to race but for love. My ancestors believed all people are worthy and no one is better than another. My ancestors believed love with action would conquer the evil in the world.

My parents taught me that we are all the same people. They taught me skin tone is just God's love of variety. They believed this country would move past racism. 

Back to privilege,,,

I am told that I cannot understand.

I am told that I could not have experienced.

I am told that my skin tone makes me a racist.

I am told that it is impossible for me to ever "get it"

I do have some privilege. I can generally drive without fear. I can even be pulled over and not think about what if I am misunderstood and shot. 

I can understand. I have experienced. I know what it feels like to grow up with fear. I know how it feels to be kicked and punched and be called things to horrible to repeat. Every single day for a long period of time…

I know what it feels like to be threatened with death for no reason except the color of my skin.

I know what it feels like to be questioned by authority figures because one - I must be overreacting or two - I must be lying or three - I must have done or said something to arouse such anger or four - I must have acted in some way superior and therefore deserved it.

I know what it feels like to move and leave stability to escape. I know what it feels like to not have a security, I heard the whispers of adults. I know the sacrifices made for my safety. I heard the accusations others threw at my parents for the decisions made because of me.

I was just a child. I was still in single digits. They were older and bigger by a lot. 

I know how it feels to parent a child who has dark skin.

I know the fear of a parent when that child grows into a driving teen and adult. I have had to teach my loved children to be extra careful. I have had to talk to my children about racism. It was just part of our lives. It exists. It will not be ignored. It has to be faced.

My heart breaks. I am on both sides. 

I do not see color. This does not make me racist. This does not mean I am ignoring the issue.  I have to purposely make my mind see it. 

I was robbed twice in my early jobs while in college. I described the robber very well until the police asked me what race. I could not recall because I did not see. This does not make me racist. This does not make me stupid. This does not make me blind.

I just do not see people as a race. I see the love in their eyes and actions. I see the possibles. I see the strengths. I am not foolish. I can see danger. I can see if harm is intended. I do not see it in the skin of a person. 

The violence. The fear. The hatred. The anger.

When will it stop?

I pray for it to stop.

I pray for it to stop.

We have to talk about it.

We have to examine ourselves.

We have to release any prejudice in our own perceptions.

We need to stop reacting.

We need to see people as people.

We need to love all people.

We are no better or worse than other people. All other people. We really are all equal so let's start acting like it.

Just one more thought...

In this country we have always had the right to sit out the Pledge to our Flag and the National Anthem. 

In football the players will take a knee to stop play in certain instances, or to avoid injury. It is considered an act of respect for another player when they are injured.

So...we have players taking a knee during the National Anthem. They are protesting an injustice. I see players still showing respect. This country is injured by the past and the present. We have to see the harm. People are in pain. People are in fear for their children. People are angry. 

We need to stop it now. 

Back to privilege one more time.

We all have privilege with Christ. We cannot do or say anything to gain the love of God. He just loves us. We do need to accept His love. He does not see color or race. We are all loved and can come to Him.

I challenge you to love others as God loves you. He loves you whether you accept it or not. He loves you even if life is crummy. He loves you and wants you even when you are bad. He loves you even if you think you don't need Him because you can do it by yourself. He loves you and is waiting for you.

I think if we can love and be ready to accept all people without pre judging them we would begin to see change. We will always have bad people. We will always have racism, but let's outnumber the bad with good people who will stand together in love for each other.

I love Ministry Institute! I love the opportunities our students are given to obtain their college education without going into deep debt. The cost is reasonable. The benefits are immense.

Many of my readers are not familiar with Ministry Institute. Here is a link that will tell you about the program.   Ministry Institute

I wrote an open letter to the students in August 2016. I would like to update.

While I have not had any feedback from the first letter it has been read by over 100 people. I want you students to know how loved you are by the people of Foursquare. I pray for you. I know Roger prays for you by name. He has said so. You have so many prayers lifted up for you that you will never know. 

If this is your first year you are probably feeling more comfortable by now. Do not be discouraged. Stay sharp. Keep your hearts pure and your desire to know God more. It is easy to become complacent or become weighted down by the work of school and internship responsibilities. 

Look for the joy in each task. Encourage one another often. The first sentence in our mission statement is "We exist for the purpose of loving God and loving people." 

Punishment or Protection

Do you feel like others have let you down?
Do you blame God for your current circumstances?

Did you do everything most of the time in a relationship?
Did you truly forgive?
Did you truly put the other first?
Did you pray?
Did you?

No one is perfect. We all fail. We are all guilty of not being kind all the time.
We all sometimes get priorities out of order.

I did try.
I did pray.
I did forgive.

I have examined motives.
I have examined priorities.
I have examined where I went wrong.

I was faithful.
I was correctable.
I was also blinded.

Do you blame God when it all falls apart?
Do you blame God because you trusted?
Do you accuse God of not caring?
Do you accuse God of not keeping promises?

Do you just blame yourself?
You didn’t see it. You must not be good enough.
You don’t deserve to be loved.
You are just too imperfect to keep it all together.

Maybe you did what is required.
Maybe you did more…

Consider
God loves you.
God loves you even when…
God cares about you.
God always keeps His promises.

You are a child of the King.
You are a loved one of the most High.
You just need to have faith and love.

They also are loved by God.
They also are loved even when…
They also are a child of the King.

Their faith may not be as strong.
They may not know they are loved even when…
They may have been given more time to change.

It may be their salvation that is at stake.
It may be their relationship with Him that is in jeopardy.

I know God always keeps His promises.
I am strong through Him.
He has always protected me.
He protects me even now.

I am not a failure in His eyes.
They can still be saved.
I am a daughter of the most High.
They can be...even still.

My God protects me always.
My God loves me always.
My God is close even when…
He is my shelter.
He is my strength.

These are just words for many…
They are solid truth for some.
I choose to trust in God.
I pray always for you to know Him.



*note - I does refer to myself. They and them refers to a multitude of people in yours and my lives. They and them do not specify any particular person or event so please do not be offended. Convicted maybe but no offense only love. You does mean You my dear reader.

Open letter to MI students

Dearest MI Students,

I am so excited for you as you enter or continue this journey of higher education. I am a mom, grand mom, fellow ministry leader, fellow member of the church. I pray for each of you but I don't really know any of you well. I do know a few of you by name. I love hearing about the successes of each one. I pray for your struggles and triumphs. I pray for your relationships with each other and your families. I pray for your perseverance in your studies and your striving for excellence in all areas of your lives.

I would like to encourage you to grow in your faith. Make sure it is a personal faith now. You are young adults who may or may not have a firm foundation built by your families and home churches. It is time for real personal faith. This means you will be tested. You will have tragedies among you. You will have joy among you. You will have emotions you may have never experienced personally before now. Temptations will be hovering. I will not list them but read Galations 5.

I would like to directly address a few statements I heard several times now from MI students.

1. Why do I as a first year student have to do rotations if I grew up involved in the church and already know what I want to do?

The short answer is you do it because it's in the program. Everyone means everyone.

The longer answer may be that while YOU know what you want to do...Is that what God wants you to do? Maybe it is. Doing your rotations should help you know for sure. 

What if God puts you in a small church somewhere in the world? You would need to know how to do it all. 

What if you are one whom God has gifted more than one gift or talent? You may not know yet what those gifts are unless you try them out. We can all use one talent and learn to use it well. When God gives you more than one gift He expects you to use each one of them. More responsibility comes with more talents and gifts.

So maybe you just KNOW that you don't like working with children. What then?

Do it anyway. Do it with courage and be kind. You have to do things in life that you don't like. It's good for you. Really. Ask any of my children who are now all in the adult years if this is true.

2. I can't wait until I'm a 2nd, 3rd or 4th year student. I'm so glad I'm not a 1st or 2nd year student anymore.

Great! I'm glad to hear you love it here. 

What? That's not what you meant? You mean then you won't have to do such and such or this and that?

Those who can't wait...Why? Is it because you don't like the rules? Is it because you want more freedom? Is it because you have not been doing your part cheerfully? Are you jealous of the students who appear to do less? Do you think it's not fair?

I have heard all of these things from students this past weekend and year.

I pray for you to persevere. I pray for your attitudes. I love you all and want you to grow and be lights to this world. 

It's ok to feel these things. It's not ok to complain. You may have one person other than God that you can be accountable with and vent your feelings. If you need someone, I am available and do not judge. 

My concern is that those younger than you are listening. Those still in High School, Jr. High and even younger. They hear these grumblings and are making decisions regarding their future. MI is not for every future student. Please allow those coming up to hear God and make a decision without prejudice. Yes they need to know the expectations. Yes they should know the pros And cons. But they do not need to hear grumbling.

Those who are so glad they aren't ... Why? Did you not learn anything? Have you not grown in your relationships? Do you feel you are now somehow better than newer/younger students? Did you feel overburdened and now just feel more free? Do you think the dirty work is beneath you?

If you did not learn anything please change that now. Everyone can learn something new every day. 

Book learning is not the only kind of important learning in college. 

Relationships are always growing and changing. Change can be good if there is also growth and always love and compassion.

Jesus teaches us to put ourselves below others not above. He put himself below by washing feet and incredibly sacrificing himself for us.

College is tough. Freshman year is tough. While you are in a safer place than some it is still hard to leave home and start to be responsible for yourself. 

3. Cliques are just not good. I know it's hard. I know people tend to "group up" with people who are similar and have similar interests. 

I implore you to include all. Don't be too sensitive to perceived slights. Sometimes a RBF is just a mind elsewhere. Most of the time if someone seems standoffish they don't know how to jump in. If someone is on the outside YOU invite them in. Don't wait for someone else to do it. You do it. Always. Every single time. Do keep personal boundaries. No one is allowed to manipulate you or take advantage but at least invite them in. We are not all in the same place emotionally, spiritually or maturity so try to forgive others and give a little more.

I am a quiet person in general. I have been misunderstood by others and it really hurts. When I say I care I mean it. When I say I don't judge you I mean it. By the grace of God I am still here and still love people. All people. All the time. We all have baggage from our lives. The longer you live the bigger that baggage can become. Set it down and don't pick it up again. Learn from the past but don't take it with you into the present and certainly don't pick it up in the future. If you can really learn to trust God with everything you will have peace and joy in all circumstances.

If you read this whole thing thank you. If you skipped to the end here it is in a few sentences.

Love God, love others. Pray hard and study hard. Be kind. Have courage and be a light to others.

I will be praying for each one of you. I am certain you each have more praying for you than you will ever know. God is always with you and ahead of you. 

May you be blessed always with God's grace.

Kathleen Thomas

Powered by Promise A Life Surrendered

I wanted to share these sermon notes with you. I take a lot of notes and then I usually write them out so I can apply them in a more useful personal way.

This is my way of remembering and applying. Share in the comments your way of absorbing what you learn from your pastor.

Our sermon series this year is Powered by Promise. We are hearing about God's promises through different people in the Bible. We have already heard from Peter, Paul, Jesus and Abraham. This week started in the words of Joseph. I have really loved this series. I want to share what I learned today as it applies to everyone. Everyone experiences fear. Everyone needs to choose whether to allow fear to bind them or surrender to God and be free.

Joseph's story is very intense. Here is a short synopsis. 

Joseph was his father's favorite son. His father favored him above all of his older brothers. This favor gave Joseph's brothers an excuse to hate him. I think Joseph probably liked being the favorite. He probably wore his special multi-colored coat with a bit of a swagger around his brothers, he was the youngest after all.

His brothers really hated him. They wanted to kill him but Ruben had a small soft spot for Joseph and suggested that they make a little money for themselves by selling Joseph instead of killing him.

Joseph was taken to Egypt where as a Hebrew he was despised and hated by the Egyptians. He was the lowest of low. He was purchased and worked in Potiphar's house. It did not take long before Joseph learned to speak Egyptian and showed Potiphar how valuable a servant he could be. He was placed in a high position, yet still a slave, in the house. But...Potiphar's wife also noticed Joseph. She wanted him for her own pleasure. Yet Joseph had integrity and even in slavery surrendered his life to God. Potiphar's wife was angry that Joseph would not submit to her and made accusations against him. SO... Joseph was thrown into the Pharoah's prison. He was just sitting in prison for years. BUT Pharoah had some troubling dreams that no one could interpret. It came to Pharoah that this Hebrew slave sitting in his prison might be able to interpret the dream. Joseph, with the insight from God, was able to tell Pharoah what his dreams meant. Pharoah was impressed with Joseph and put him in charge of much.

Seven years of plenty, then seven years of famine. The wisdom of Joseph was saving Egypt from starvation. Joseph was such a good manager that there was enough food for people outside of Egypt. Joseph's brothers were sent to get food...skip a bunch of things at that meeting...Jacob died. Josephs brothers were afraid. What would Joseph do to them now that Dad was gone? They lied and made up a story that Jacob wanted Joseph to forgive them. Joseph had already forgiven them and he wept when he realized his own brothers were afraid of him. 

Joseph lived a life surrendered to God and he was favored by God.

What can we learn from Joseph?

Joseph told his brothers "You intended to harm me but God intended it for good."

God will take your pain and use it for gain if you live your life surrendered to God.

Turbulence is part of life on earth. It is normal to be afraid. God wants you to become brave.

Freedom from the Fear of the Immediate

Which is your default mechanism?

It is human to be afraid. Is fear your default? Do you react in fear?

Divine has no fear. Is peace your default? Do you react with faith?

Life happens in real time. We do and say stupid things when we are afraid. There is no DVR or pause button in real life. When we live in fear we are relying on our own selves. We react to circumstances with emotional unthinking speech and actions. We live with a lot of regret.

A surrendered life is a stabilized life. When we learn to surrender everything to God we gain peace. Peace is not just a feeling but a calm that can diffuse the immediate.

Joseph knew what his brothers did not know. God is in control.

Freedom from the Fear of the Future

Swim in a river not a pond. 

Many people are in a perpetual state of fear because of circumstances. God knows your circumstances. He already has it. He is already provided for you. He is here with you now and ahead of you in the future.

The brave may not live forever but the cautious don't live at all. Have confidence for the future. Our hope is in Christ. He died for us once and has already defeated the evil one. Our Father in heaven is patient with us. He waits a while longer not because He wants evil to have more time to wreak havoc but because He desires that All would come to know Him. 

So consuming is the fear of the future there is a paralysis of over analyses. 

Oh we can all relate to this. Did you ever stress over a final in school to the point of forgetting everything? Have you ever needed to act but couldn't start because you couldn't decide what would be best in the long run? 

In Him we live and move and have our being.

We want to be in control. Jesus take the wheel.

Surrender

Freedom from the Fear of the Past

So many are victimized by people.

People hurt us. People cannot be counted on to always be there. There are people who are selfish, unkind, evil.

Do we just wallow in the past pain and anguish? Do we allow the past to prevent us to love in the immediate or future? Most people who hurt others are hurt themselves. Let's break the cycle and let go of being a victim. 

Many by negative memories.

The past can be filled with regret. Regret for things we did wrong. Regret for things we should have done. Regret for opportunities missed.

God will take the energy out of the memories. You will not forget the past but it can no longer hold you hostage. 

Lost confidence from the past. Fear that you just can't change, succeed or trust again.

When we lose our confid

Freedom from the fear of Humanity

Free from fear of man

People pleasing is a fear of man

Afraid to discipline your children is a fear 

You are their parent not their friend

Afraid to stand up to your peer group is a fear of man

You do need to care or you will become arrogant

Moderation 

Need to be disciples

Need to be docile

Surrendered from people pleasing

God has an unending love for us.

My take away for me is...

God's love for me is unending.

Thanksgiving 2014

30 days of Thanksgiving 2014

Thanksgiving

 Time for the annual month of Thanksgiving...

Day 1 
I am thankful for rain.

Day 2
I am thankful for a home that is shelter from the elements and is also a safe place to just be.
  
Day 3 
I am very thankful for good health. I pray it continues. I am certainly doing my part. 

Day 4 
I am thankful to have the ability to freely vote and have a voice in elections. For everyone who votes there are many who don't bother. However small your voice it doesn't count if you don't vote.

Day 5 
I am thankful for my parents. I feel fortunate to have four of them all still here. My parents are all available any time and even though we are distanced by the miles the phone is only a moment away.

Day 6
I am incredibly thankful that even though I lost a husband I did not lose the family I have been a part of for the past 35 years. Love you and am thankful for you...Ida Thomas, William Thomas, Mandy Hale Thomas, Ron Thomas, David Thomas, Ellen Hagen Collins and those not on FB...

Where did day 7 go? Ok here it is again.
I am so incredibly thankful for my daughters. They are all beautiful, strong young women today. They make good decisions and are always ready to help a friend in need. They also have compassion for the needy in society without judgement.
I am blessed to be their Mom.

Day 8 
I am thankful God heals the heart. Today was bittersweet but I am not in pain anymore. I have accepted what life holds and that it is always changing. I know I am not alone and that God has a plan for me. I look forward to the future and all the surprises ahead.

Day 9 I am thankful for literacy. It is more than just the mechanics of reading and writing. I love teaching reading, writing, logic and how to interpret what is written.

Day 10
I am thankful for seasons. In SoCal I was aware that there are four seasons. We did seasonal crafts with the kids...Now I have experienced four seasons. I love it!

Day 11
I will jump into the holiday thanks for our service men and women. I am thankful for all who have served.

Day 12
I am thankful for heat. This morning it was 19 degrees when we got up. I was toasty in my bed but as soon I I got up...freezing. I will say I breath well in the cold air at night so as long as we are bundles up the cold nights are welcome. We are not used to using heaters so this is a new experience for us and we will see how well we manage the delicate balance between the need for heat and keeping the electric bill down. We are in an all electric townhome. Even cooking has been an adjustment for me.

Day 13 
I am thankful for baking...there is nothing better to warm up your day than baking a pie or bread or cookies or cake or... You fill in the blank. I love to bake.

Day 14 
I am thankful for family.

Day 15
I am thankful for the holidays. I love both Thanksgiving and the entire Christmas season through Twelfth Night. It is such a fun time of year especially with children. The kids have already spied some of Santa's elves checking out kid behavior in the stores. Shhh...our elves are on their way.

Day 16 
I am thankful that the people who really know me really know me. They know my beliefs and that I don't judge others. They know that I love and accept people where they are in life. 
They know that the rose colored glasses have to be forcibly ripped from my eyes and they love me enough to not rip them away but be gentle. 
They know me enough to not believe stuff heard or written about me that does not fit what they know about me.
They know my character has not changed and will not change because of life stuff. 
These are the people in my life that I am very thankful are my friends.

(English buffs please excuse any grammatical errors in above post.) 

Day 17 
Sometimes it's the little things...the frost patterns on the window, the scents of fall, the warm gloves and scarves. I am thankful for the little things every day.

Day 18
I am thankful that I get to spend every day with my grandchildren. I love to play and teach and am privileged to be trusted enough to homeschool them with my daughter. It is exciting to help children find their gifts and develop their strengths.

Day 19
I am thankful even during the midst of the storms.

Day 20
I am thankful my children and grandchildren have great imaginations and Know how to really play. Playing takes time and I know a lot of kids don't have time anymore. I am grateful we have been able to make the time for play.

Day 21
I am thankful for the love of learning and that it has been handed down the generations. My parents have a love for learning, my siblings and myself love to learn, my children and grandchildren all love to learn. It is a lifelong quest.

Day 22 
I am thankful to have had the joy of knowing my grandparents and my children and grandchildren get to know, love and have their grandparents and great grandparents in their lives.

Day 23
I am thankful for friendships that stand the test of time and trials.

Day 24
I am thankful for the ability to adapt. I have seen and experienced the ability to adapt to change and life circumstances in my own life. I have also seen that the ability to adapt is not easy for many so I am thankful for the ability to adapt.

Day 25
I am thankful for light. All kinds of light...daylight, light bulbs, moonlight, flashlight, candlelight.

Day 26
I am thankful I know God loves me and He loves you also. He loves me the way I am right now and he love you in whatever stage or circumstance you are in right now. He love me always and he loves you from before you were born. He loves me even when I'm wrong and he loves you even if you don't love Him.

Day 27
Happy Thanksgiving. Today is a day we stop and reflect about all the Blessings we have in this country.

Day 28  
I am thankful for Christmas trees and lights and Santa and Elves and Christmas music and nativity scenes and...
Can you tell the decorating has begun? Fun fun fun

Day 29
I am thankful that my daughters like having me around. It would be very lonely if they didn't.

Day 30
I'm so excited today. We are surprising the kids with a trip on the Polar Express in Chahalis. They don't know yet. 
I am thankful for surprises!

Thanksgiving 2015

30 days of thanks

Day1

Thankful for Fall.

Football, cinnamon and cloves, pumpkins, rain...

Day 2 

I am thankful for peace. Peace that is a gift from God. Continue to calm my heart oh God and may I retain the peace that passes all understanding.

Day 3 

I am thankful for open communication.

My children and grands know they can tell me anything and we can talk about anything. 

Honesty is utmost and as long as there is honesty nothing is off the table.

Day 4

I am thankful for cold fall days and nights. And for fleece, fleece blankets, fleece socks, fleece scarves, ...

Day 5 

I am thankful we can find something to celebrate every day!

Did you know there are day of' for every single day? 

https://www.checkiday.com/

Today we will celebrate American Football Day, Love your red hair day and National Doughnut Day!

Day 6 

I am thankful for FaceTime. Thank you Bea and Matt for being available for a little bug who misses extended family. She actually fell asleep listening to your voices talking to Josh. We had to carry her to her bed.

Technology is a good thing. FaceTime is as close to the Jetsons as we get.

Day 7

I am thankful for grandchildren. Living with them brings joy every day.

Day 8

I am thankful for my daughter Julie Thomas Wagner. She is a hard working mom and daughter. She takes care of our family household and has never allowed me to feel like a burden. She is beautiful inside and out.

Day 9

I am thankful for friendships. Old fiends, new friends, IRL friends and online friends. Everyone needs relationships to remain healthy.

Day 10 

I am thankful for adoption. My mommy heart is for my adopted children just as strongly as my birth child. My children are fully grafted into my heart never can this be undone.

Day 11

I am thankful to live in a nation that is still free. We may feel persecuted but we are still free to live the way we want, to worship the way we believe, and to go where we wish. We can reach for the stars if that is our dream.

Day 12

I am thankful for my daughter Beatriz Rose. She is a very hard worker in everything she does. She is an encourager and loves others deeply. She is always there for you.

My favorite memory of her is when she was 5. She would fight you if you even implied that she was not born from me. She would tell "memories" she had with me from before she was born. Our special phrase is "it must be hereditary". We use it a lot because we have so much the same.

Day 13

Very thankful superstitions are false. Yet it makes for less traffic and less crowded stores. 😜 also black cats go on clearance.😻 of course that's if you pass the cat background check 💔 maybe ladders should go on sale on Friday the 13 too.

Day14

Thankful for my daughter Amanda Thomas. She has more persistence and tenacity of anyone I know. She has an internal strength that carries her through many trials. 

Miss your face. ❤️

Day 15

I am thankful for home cooking. I can adapt to family members food sensitivities and likes. 

Yum Chex mix with no sulfites. Home made. It's going fast. Need to make more soon.

Day 16

I am thankful for my Dad. He has and always is there with wisdom only dads can give. He loves fiercely and is loved deeply. I am so very thankful my dad is still here.

Day 17

I am thankful for rainy dark days; that they be few and far apart...but fun when they come.

Time for hot cocoa with marshmallows, board games and movies.  

Oh and I am thankful for electricity!

Day 18

I am thankful for my other mom Tracey Starks. I am so thankful my dad found love with you. You are Blessed and have been a Blessing in my life. Love you always.

Day 19

I am thankful for my little brother Van Starks. I remember when I first got to hold him. I was told that he was my special birthday present. I took it very seriously as a 6 year old. I loved sharing my birthday with my brother. You have grown up into a strong Man who loves the Lord, loves his family and shows love to all those in his path.

Day 20

Thankful for the peace and joy and love from God.

Day 21

Thankful to be back on a Worship Team. Music speaks to my soul. I love helping it speak to yours.

Day 22

You don't get to the beginning of God til you get to the end of you

I am thankful for pastors who give wisdom from God. They help us grow.

Thank you Major & Mrs. Major Henderson, Major Church, Floyd Strater,  Shane Womack, Phyllis Womack, and Roger Archer

Day 23

Thankful for snow and rain and that nip in the air that signals a season change. Fall colors, blazing oranges and red leaves in autumn. Just a little snow for winter fun. Spring flowers Daffodils and Peonies and Tulips. Super long summer days with all that summer has to offer.

I like the seasons. In SoCal we had four seasons also... Warm Hot Blazing Hot and a few days of rain.

Day 24

Thankful for joyful laughter and children giggles.

Day 25

I am thankful for alternative and traditional medical practitioners. I like using both- complimentary medical.

Chiropractic has eliminated my migraines and greatly decreased my need for asthma medications. Oils and herbs have helped us stay healthy and alleviated aches and pains.

Day 26

I am thankful for family! Love all of my family.

Day 27

I am thankful for my mom. Moms are nice to you no matter what. My mom is always available for me. She gives really good mom advice when asked. Thanks Mom.

Day 28

I am thankful for Christmas music. Classical, Carols and Contemporary. I like it all.

Day 29

I am thankful I don't have to be a secret football fan anymore!!!

I've been a Seahawks fan since 1977.

Day 30

The final day of thanksgiving for 2015. I have been doing the month of thanks since 2009. I try to keep a heart of thanksgiving every day but actually posting a specific thanks each day for the month of November helps me focus on thankfulness coming into the Christmas season. 

Today I am thankful for all the blessings I have in my life.

Love Is...

Have you found true love?

Do you know what true love is?

What does it look like?

How does it feel?

Where is it?

When I was a child I thought I knew all about love. I thought it was something that zapped you one day and it would last forever. I believed in fairy tale love. Where the beautiful girl or handsome boy would find their one true love and live happily ever after.

When I was a teen I thought I knew nothing about love. I had been through several losses. My Grandmother had passed and I had not been allowed to grieve and say goodbye. My parents did not love each other anymore. We moved more than once. I thought there was really no such thing as love. It was an elusive feeling that did not mean anything real.

When I was a young adult I thought I had rediscovered the love I knew as a child. I was swept off my feet by a young man. He wanted me. He loved me. He said this love was forever. It was not.

I discovered the love a mother has for her child. This child who grew inside of me was special. This is real love.

Then the child started to become her own person. She has a will of her own. She is a child and does not know how her words and actions affect others. She is self centered. 

I discovered love is a choice. I choose to love my child. I choose to love my husband. I choose to love others. I choose to love myself.

I now believe love is true only if from God. 

Can I love enough to give my own child?

I can give my own life much easier than that of my child...yet God gave His only child. I have four children and I do not think I could freely give up the life of any of them. 

God so Loved... He so loved us that he gave His only son so that we might be saved.

Do you get that? God so Loved.

What can we do to show the world God's love?

Should the love we have for people be different than the love the world has for people?

I see people who do not follow Christ show love for others. They help the needy. They have compassion for orphans.They donate money to the sick. They send children to college. The come together in times of tragedy. They stand against evil careful to name the evil and protect the innocent. The innocent who may have characteristics or belief systems of those who carry out evil..

How much more should we who profess love of Christ help the needy, show compassion for orphans, use our money for others? We are to take care of widows and orphans. This is a commandment. We are stewards of the things of earth. This is a gift from God. He trusts us with stuff. He desires that we show His love to people. All people. People who we know. People we don't know. People we like. People we don't like. People like us. People that are not like us. Big sinners, little sinners, outward sinners, inward secret sinners...humans. 

We need to show our love better. We need to guard our hearts against prejudices. We need to be a humble not a prideful people. 

How can we be more loving? How can we feel this kind of love for others? Is it even really possible?

It is possible. It can be real. It can be something you feel deep inside of your heart. 

It does not come naturally. It is not the "normal" for humanity. 

We can have love for people. It takes a little work for some and a lot of work for most. Once you have it you have to keep it. It is easy to lose. We are fragile. We are prideful. We get hurt by people and circumstances. 

There are some ways to develop a true and genuine love for people. 

1. Become more in love with Christ. Read the Word daily. The more you are in the Word of God the more you desire Him. The more you love God the more your heart will love people. Remember God so loved...

2. Develop empathy. Put yourself in another's position. Stop before making a judgement based on appearances. What do you see? Do you see someone who needs God? Do you feel compassion for their needs? Do you feel sorrow for the lost? Do you long for God to wait a little longer so more can come to know Him?

3. Allow Grace. Give the benefit of the doubt. I'm not saying let people harm you but cut others some slack. Let God convict. It's not my job to point out every flaw in another person. Most of us do that enough to ourselves. Example - I know I'm overweight, you don't need to tell me, I can look in the mirror. Love covers. Love forgives. 

Allow grace to flood your own mind and heart. You are loved. You do deserve love. You are favored by God. God so loved...

4. Pray. Pray that you will be a light to the world. Pray for your enemies. Pray for those who have harmed you. Pray for the lost. The more you pray for others the more you will come to love them.

5. Patience. A real genuine love for others will take time. You have a past of hurts and prejudices to overcome. You have to surrender these things before genuine love will be able to take root. Refer to number 3 - Grace. You may not wake up one day and feel love in your heart. It may be a gradual process, a daily step by step. 

6. Practice. Practice love. The more you put love into action the more it will become your default. 

Can you imagine this world if more Christians showed love? How many more would come to know Christ? How many lives would be touched? Think about the lives that would receive comfort in times of need or trouble. Let's reach the world. Let light shine in the darkness. Love really is the answer. We can all know true love.

The Struggle

So here I sit, filled with anxiety and feeling sick. 

People tell me to write a book. I feel that God has placed a desire to write a book about faith like a child. He gave me that title just yesterday during the sermon at church.

Who am I to write a book about faith?

I want to have faith.

I desire faith.

I have been told I have faith.

I think I have had faith.

Where did it go?

Why is it suddenly so hard?

My mind knows the Word of God. My heart loves the Word of God. My soul longs for the Word of God.

I know it is the enemy of my soul who is attacking.

He whispers "You don't really have enough faith. You never had any real faith. You are actually the cause of troubles. It is your own ego that thinks you have any faith. You are really just like me, wanting others to see you as good."

Leave me alone Satan. I am not listening to your lies. 

But Kat...you are the one who had faith that God would provide and your husband deceived you and others. It really is your fault. You MADE him do it. You put pressure on him with your unwavering faith. Where was God then? You are nothing. You do not deserve to be in God's family. Your denial of reality forces people to lie to you.

NO! I will not listen to untruth.

But Kat...you are the one who lies. You believed the lies others told you. You have not been wise. You repeated the lies you were told. You should have known. If you were one of God's people you would have known.

NO! NO! NO! Go away! You will not turn the Word of God against me.

I will use the Word of God to make you flee. I command you to leave in the name of Jesus Christ, the son of God. 

See...I'm still here. I don't have to leave because you don't really have any faith at all. Ha ha ha.

It's ok. I will always be here for YOU.

I know you will be hanging around. I know that you are like a roaring lion looking for prey. 

I refuse to be your dinner. I refuse to accept your lies. 

I am a child of God. 

You may cause trouble in this world but a day is coming that you will not be able to harass me ever again.

If I have the faith of a mustard seed that faith can move mountains. 

MOUNTAIN PLEASE MOVE!

I asked nicely.

I command you MOUNTAIN MOVE!

Ok. 

So the mountain doesn't appear to be moving.

What now?

God will make a way.

Ok God...make a way. I release it all to you.

Where is it?

Where is the path?

What are we going to do?

God will provide.

When?

Where is the provision?

Why are we struggling so?

See... I told you. You don't even have the faith of a mustard seed. And mustard seeds are very very small.

Just STOP IT.

I will be faithful.

I will praise you my God even in the struggle.

I will love you my God even when that mountain does not move.

I will sing to the Lord even when I can't see a way.

Heavenly Father. I love you and seek you.

Give me peace in the struggle.

Grow my faith. Help me strengthen my armor against the enemy of my soul.

Ok self...get to work. On your knees. In the Word. Keep loving others. Love yourself a little more.

Take one day at a time. 

Crickets

Peace

Toughen up Buttercup OR Be gentle

My feelings have been hurt. My motives were misjudged. When I apologized and tried to correct the wrong assumptions regarding my statement I was scolded like I was a child who just did not know any better.

Why does it hurt? Why do I even care? 

I know that what others think about me doesn't really matter. God knows my heart so it shouldn't matter what people think about me.

But it does matter. 

I profess to have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

I did think before I wrote. I did not choose sides or start an attack against the original plea for action. I was not criticizing anyone or any particular ideology. 

I do respect others opinions. I was not even asking for a change of opinion.

I was asking for truth. I was requesting that people look at and try to understand both sides of an issue before they act. 

There is so much conflict in this world. I am aware that there has always been and will always be conflict. My desire is that we as followers of Christ become peacemakers. You cannot make emotional decisions based on one side of an issue. You must be able to rationally look at both sides before you make a judgement.

There is so much propaganda everywhere. I do not want to be a part of the crowd that does not use critical reasoning skills. I refuse to rush to judgement especially when people are involved and may be hurt by even just one more person. These are the days of petitions and protests. There are usually two sides to any situation or problem. If we do not at least listen to the other side how can we fully support the side we think we are on?

This applies to so many.
Vaccinate or not
sign a petition or don't sign
politics - nothing more be said here
support a cause
protest a cause
watch or don't watch a movie or tv show
listen or don't listen to music by specific artists

I could give many more examples but I think you get the idea. We as a society seem to pick sides and attacking the other side is easier than defending or defining our own position.

I challenge you to choose with wisdom what side you are on. 

I challenge you to be able to support your side without attacking the other side.

If you need to use pros and cons do it without personally attacking people. Attack the issue if you must be do not vilify the people who disagree.

I challenge Christians to put grace and love ahead of yourselves and the need to be Right.

He has made me strong

Memories.

I do not have a very good memory. I have always had trouble remembering details but maybe I just don't really notice the details in the first place. I've come to realize I don't have a very good visual memory.

I usually have more of a global memory of the past. I remember feelings and smells. 

So it always amazes me when something triggers a memory of when I was a child. 

Sometimes it's a pleasant memory and I remember being free as a child. I can remember ice cream cones and donuts with my dad. I remember going to Woolworths in Pasadena with my Grandma. I remember threading the same grandma's needles after church on Sunday's at the rest home. 50 black and 50 white because her sight was failing but she could differentiate between light and dark thread. 

Often it's a mixed memory. I remember the extreme fear when a couple in a car stopped us on our way home. They said my mom had been in an accident and might die. That we were to get in the car with them and they would take us to her. I especially remember the loud "No! Don't get in that car" and the feeling of being grabbed by the back of my shirt while I grabbed my sister and being tossed away from the couple. Feet hit the sidewalk running. Ran home and there was my mom; upset because we were late. The next day two girls bodies were found in the foothills. I believe God sent an Angel to protect us.

I am more surprised when someone says or does something and a bad memory surfaces. Things I have pushed aside for years. It comes rushing back with all the emotions that accompanied the event the first time. 

I wonder if I don't have such a poor memory but have pushed aside so much that I just have vague memories of the past. 

I know that there is healing.

Maybe I wasn't strong enough before...

I am weak but He has made (is making) me strong.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I Won't Grow Up

I have learned the hard way that caring about others and being a nice person will only bring you pain. No one will ever truly care or love you the way you care or love. So what's the point of trying? 

I wonder if this is how God feels about us? If he can keep on loving us I can keep on. But I'm not God so I will have to try harder. However maybe the lesson is that I only show my"self" to those who want to know me and just keep quiet for everyone else.

I had preconceived ideas about family and friendships. I keep thinking that if I just keep turning the other cheek eventually they would see how much I truly care and love them. I thought that if I was more patient and kept myself from acting or speaking in anger or out of hurt that eventually they would know I care. I was thinking that if I acted and stated that I was fine I would be fine. I really used to believe that love covers a multitude...

Maybe I have finally grown up. I am done turning the other cheek. I will walk away for good.

I am done keeping quiet. I will tell you you have hurt me.

I am not just fine.

Love may cover a multitude of ... Fill in the blank. 

I will not stop caring but I will not be there anymore.

I will not stop loving but now you will have to ask.

I really wonder if this is what God feels all the time about us.

He is just waiting for us to come to him.

He loves and cares about us.

He turns the other cheek when we use His name in vain. Otherwise we would all be dead.

He is quiet...until we come to Him.

He is so incredibly patient. He longs for all to come to know Him.

He is holding back His righteous anger so that more may come to know Him.

He is the One who commands us to love one another.

Ok

My dear ones, my loved ones, my family, my friends...

I will continue to be me. I cannot change the way God made me. 

Yes I may be passive aggressive, slow to anger but when I blow I can really blow. But it's over quickly and I am truly sorry and do apologize.

I pray for God to give us more time. 

I pray for love to win.

I pray for you to see.

I pray that I never "grow up" and lose sight of what is true.

Where is the Love of Christ?

Putting my feet in the icy cold water.

I would like to speak to the Church. The people that are in the church.

Where is the Love of Christ in the people?
Why do the people need to hurt others in the name of Christ?
Is Your church growing?  or shrinking?  or staying the same?
Are you growing with new converts? and then losing them? or older members?
Do you ever wonder why the church is losing members?

Do you even care about your brothers and sisters in Christ?

I love The Church.
I feel very hurt by the people in the church.

I feel like the people in the church wish I would just go away.

I was married for 34 years.
I am not now.

I was very young when I married. I chose to commit to him. I chose to continue to love him through it all. I did not want divorce. I was willing to do anything to work through it all.

I was not given an option.
He left.

I am still the same person.
I would never come between a marriage.
I still will not compromise my body outside of marriage.
I still have the same morals and convictions.

The Scarlett letter at Church seems to be D not A.
He has been welcomed into a new congregation alongside his now wife.
They do not suffer the Scarlett letter A.
They receive forgiveness from the people in church.
They are accepted as participating members of the church.
Their past is ignored or forgotten but surely not mentioned.

The Church does not know what to do with me.
I am considered a failure.
I am considered a threat.
I have no place in the Church.

No one has asked.
No one has bothered to try to get to know me.

I am viewed with suspicion by wives as soon as they find out about the D.
I am not allowed to talk to husbands at all.
I am not allowed to interact with males at all unless I want to be the object of gossip.
I am not welcome to sing.
I am not welcome in small groups.

I have no place in the Church.

I am thankful that I have faith that God will take me through anything.
Jesus felt abandoned.
Jesus was viewed with suspicion by the pharisees.
Jesus was not welcomed.
Jesus was killed.

The people in the Church know how to interact with the unsaved.
They do not expect perfection in baby Christians.
They are willing to forgive Christians.

They do not seem to be able to deal with the injured Christians.
They HAVE to find fault in the injured Christian.
They NEED to assume the worst in single divorced women.

Oh, they can give out pity.
They can look that young single mom in the eye and say...
We will be there for you and your young children. We will give you aid.

But where are you?
She is not really wanted. She is not missed. Her children are not missed.
In fact, there is a sigh of relief that those wild kids aren't at church influencing the other kids.

Do you know that children without a father NEED good Christian males to interact?
Do you know that children of divorce are in pain?
Do you really care or do you think these children are a hopeless cause so why really bother?

The people in the Church can gossip by turning it into a prayer.
God Bless the single mom. We pray that she is strong and does not fall to sexual sin now that she is lonely. Oh protect our single men from the single mom.
God Bless the single woman who was married a long time. We pray her ex is able to recover from the harm she must have brought him during his long-suffering marriage to her. Protect our husbands from this viper.

Do you wonder why divorced women would choose to just stop coming?
Do you really even care?
It is much easier to allow them to leave.
Many of them will fall anyway so at least it won't be here.

Until the people in the Church choose to love each and every person who comes their way...
Until the people in the Church choose to take the risk to love...
Until the people in the Church step out of their own comfort zones...

People will continue to be hurt
People will continue to be lost
People will continue to become bitter
People will continue to lose hope

I am hurt.
I am Not Lost
I am Not Bitter
I still have Hope

I choose to love each person who comes into my life.
I choose to risk that they are not be perfect and may hurt me.
I choose to step out of my comfort zones.
I choose The Church of Christ.
I choose Christ.

I however do not choose to continue to allow people to hurt me.
I am an UN-churched Christian.
I am sad that this is how the Church treats those with the Scarlett single D.
I pray daily that people in the Church will wake up and see the pain that they cause others.
This is just one kind of pain they cause...I have sorrowed for years over the pain the people in the church have caused in others who have crossed my path.

When will it end?

Will it end with YOU?

Thanksgiving 2013

30 days of Thankfulness -  Day 1 I am thankful that even when the truth hurts it sets you free.

Day2- I am thankful for the beauty of the PNW. And to think that I can smell the salty Sound, or go on a hike in the forest or go play on a mountain any day.

Day 3 - I am thankful there are choices in which to worship. Of course the search for the right one is not always fun...

Day 4 - I am thankful for the age 3 and that it is only temporary.

Day 5 - I am thankful for family that loves me and does not kick me out of the family when most other families would.

Day 6 - I am thankful for Floyd Strater. He was a very good pastor who remembered my name out of context two weeks after meeting him. I can't tell you what an impression that made on a 23 year old woman with very low expectations. I know I will see him again and he will probably still know my name.

Day 7 - Thankful for phones and internet that make keeping in touch across the miles so easy.

Day 8 - I am thankful for peace that is not understood but deeply felt.

Day 9 - I am thankful that I have half my life to live still (God willing) and can dream and reach those dreams.

Day 10 - I am thankful for the joys and blessings being Mimi brings.

Day 11
Today I am thankful for literacy. It's more than phonics.

Day 12 - thankful for chocolate chip cookies...well any kind of cookies...ok chocolate too.

Day 13 - I am thankful for the friendships I have with my daughters. I love seeing how they have grown into beautiful adults and am grateful to be such a part of their grown up lives.

Day 14 - thankful for sleep

Day 15 - I am thankful for shelter from the storms both literally and figuratively.

Day 16

I am thankful I am blessed with parents who love me and still tell encourage me when I need it.

Day 17 - I am thankful for hot tea. There are so many different kinds that each day can be a new adventure. However it's nice to start the day with one of a few favorites.

Day 18 - Thankful for the holidays. I love the music, sappy movies and smells of Christmas and Thanksgiving!

Day 19 - thankful for all my FB friends...today they have reminded me that
1 - God has a plan
2 - He is there regardless of my feelings
3 - He is concerned about my smallest needs

Thank you FB people...

Days 20, 21 and 22
Thanks when I cannot think of anything because He carries me through...

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One...

And now let the weak say I am strong
Let the poor say I am rich
Because of what The Lord has done for us...

Day 23 - it's the little things that bring joy...oatmeal cookies, meatballs with cheese and fresh garlic, texting, that blade of grass popping up in unexpected places...I am thankful I can stop and experience the little things.

Day 24 - thankful for friendships that stand the test of time.

Day 25 - Give thanks to The Lord for he is good, His mercy endures forever.

Day 26 - thankful that today is the 26th...I am so overwhelmed with numbers here in the PNW. They don't have names for most of the streets, just numbers and more than one street gets the same number. Sometimes the streets are parallel and next to each other.

Day 27 - I am thankful not only for what God has done and still will do but for who He Is...

Day 28 - I am thankful for the heritage that is passed down from generation to generation. I am also grateful to discover more and more rich heritage through researching our family tree.

Day 29 - I am thankful for change...I do like variety so change can be good.

The Irresistible Wife

The sermon this week was The Irresistible Wife.

I figured I should really pay attention to this one as I obviously was Not Irresistible.

First point - Mother Second, Wife First

God is a God of order. He set an order to His creation. He made Adam first and the first relationship was between Adam and God. He then made Eve out of Adam. The second relationship was between Adam and Eve, husband and wife. Then the children came. We are to be a wife to our husbands first. Children should be second to our husbands. Children grow up and leave to have families of their own. When that happens what kind of relationship will we have as a couple if we have not put that relationship first throughout the children years?

How do I think I did?
I will admit that it is a tendency to put the children first. They start out totally helpless. They need guidance. They are cute.

I do think I put my husband first. While our lifestyle was homeschooling/attachment parenting, we did leave our children regularly with others so we could be just together. Just the two of us out and about.

Sometimes it was a struggle to not just talk about the kids when we were out. I usually caught myself if that was happening. I would ask about work. I would ask how he was doing. I would ask about his friends.

Second point - Respectful
I believe that I have respected my husband throughout our marriage.
Some of the examples Pastor shared did make me stop and think. Was I always respectful? Did my tone of voice show respect?
I can honestly say that the skit was not anything like our marriage.
I did ask my daughters if they thought I showed respect for their father. They all quickly responded YES. It was something they noticed. They said they never could understand how I could respect him even when he was wrong. They said I did not receive much respect back, but I did not demand or even require it.

How do I think I did?
I know that I respected my husband. I believed him at his word. I backed him up. I did not correct him in public or in front of the kids. I hope he knew that I respected him.

Third point - Submissive

I agree that being a submissive wife is part of God's plan for order. Submit is to arrange under.

How do I think I did?
Yes I was submissive in that I arranged myself under the authority of my husband. We did have disagreements in our marriage in the later years. I still submitted to his final decisions if we did not fully agree. I was not a doormat. We talked things through. We prayed about big decisions.
I know that some people important to me felt that I should have questioned him more. I had prayed about this and felt that silence and acceptance was the best choice for me. Looking back I would not change anything in this area of submission to my husband.


Fourth point - Willing Love maker

My body was his and his mine. We did not deprive one another. I think we did have a few dry spells but I think they were mutual. They were mostly periods of exhaustion for both or one or the other of us. I planned and initiated as much as he.

This is an area that I did not think we had a problem. I actually thought everything was going to be fine because behind the bedroom door was fine.

Fifth point - Inward and Outward Beauty

Of course this is a very difficult one to self evaluate. I tend to see the ugly parts. So again I asked my daughters. They said they think I am a peaceful and kind person. I will accept their viewpoint. I know that I have struggled with some minor depression here and there. I also know that I have struggled with anger and discontent. I do not wear a lot of makeup but my husband has told me he likes the clean face look. I did not shop for clothes or shoes very often but my clothes are clean and in good repair.

Sixth point - Fun

Pastor talked about doing things together. He said having some common interests was very vital to a good marriage. Wives are not his mother or holy spirit.

How do I think I did?

We had weekly dates during most of our marriage. We would go to the movies, or just dinner. We mostly would just go somewhere and chat. The beach was our favorite place. When the girls were older we would take advantage of youth group nights to go sit at the beach or just drive around.

I watched all sports with him. My brother played baseball and football so I had a basic understanding of both games. Basketball was a little harder for me but he was not a big basketball fan. We shared a love of music and worship ministry. I would sometimes just go with him to preview houses so we could just be together. We laughed and had our inside jokes and songs.

Seventh point - Encourager

I see this as a weakness in me. However many friends and family have told me that I am a great encouragement. My husband has said I have encouraged him to reach for his dreams. I was willing to step back and take care of the home and be frugal so he could be self employed. He was not happy working a regular 9-5 job. I thought I was encouraging when he wanted to lose weight. He said I was upset that I couldn't seem to lose as quickly and he took it as not encouraging him. If only I had known that at the time. I was annoyed for me but always glad for him.


I am not sure exactly where I went wrong in my marriage. Pastor made several comments regarding men who look outside of the marriage for emotional validation. I still do not know what I could have done different. My husband has said that I didn't do anything wrong. He said there was nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything. I hope he is right.

If  I was getting a do-over

I would probably not take him for granted. I never thought I needed to be concerned that he would leave. I so fully loved and trusted him that even though deep down I thought I was not worthy to be loved I thought he would always be there. I had deep insecurities about myself but not him. If I could go back in time I would be stronger and more sure of my own worth. I still would give him my love and trust. I just can't imagine being in a marriage without trust.

I would be more careful about my own appearance. I would get rid of stuff more often and would not let him see if it was hard for me.

I would definitely make sure I knew more about our finances. I would still have allowed him to run the finances if he wanted but I would insist on knowing. I am a capable woman financially and now I  have to fix my own credit because of me not knowing what was going on financially in my own marriage. I am not sure how this could have been done better without finances becoming a huge disagreement but I sure as heck would find a way.

I would be bolder. I am by nature a peace maker and sometimes put peace above absolute truth from others in my life. I have serious difficulty discerning lies from those I love. I can spot it in strangers and acquaintances but not those close to me. I always give the benefit of the doubt. Unless I knew for sure it was a lie I believed it. This is true with all of my close relationships so this is one I can work on. I just don't want to become suspicious of everyone and everything. I have been reading up on body language clues and speech clues in liars and its starting to help me with certain 2 and 5 year old. That's a start at least.

I would hug in public. I would say more affirming things. I probably would not share my pain because in the last years of my marriage it made him angry with me. I would probably not tell him about things I was thinking or my dreams. I would keep a part of me walled away. I think I relied on him too much. I told him everything, I mean everything. What happened, where I was, what I was thinking, what I was feeling, Everything.

But there are no do-overs in life. So...

I will heal.
I will live.
I will love my God with all my heart, soul and mind.
I will worship.
I will laugh.
I will love.
I will trust.
I will still be me. (and probably still share way more than you want to know)

My prayer and hope in time of sorrow

I am sad today.

Our piano player from church who was also a very good friend passed away right before Thanksgiving. I miss him. I miss his music. I miss his laugh and ironic sense of humor. I miss his encouragement.

Just days later a friend lost her battle with cancer. She was well loved by everyone who knew her. The memorial service was packed on a weekday.

A sweet friend is going through a terrible tragedy. She lost her 3 year old granddaughter and her son-in-law is in critical condition. They were hit by a car while waiting at a bus stop. Her daughter was also there. I can't imagine the trauma of seeing this horrendous accident that took a child and almost took an husband.

These events have not only affected me. My daughters were all hit with them too. The last one has touched my grandson also.

These are the times when we need each other. These are the times when God draws us closer to both himself and to others.

It is ok to be sad. Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time to weep. We are to weep with those who weep. Jesus himself wept over the loss of a friend. This is a time of weeping.

The sun will shine again. We will not be sad forever.

We will suffer loss again. We do not know when but it will come again.

My prayer is that we learn to grieve and also rejoice.
All three are now sitting with Christ in heaven. It makes my heart glad to know that while their families are sad and grieve the loss of their loved ones they also have the assurance that they can see them again in heaven. 
This is of course if they also have given their lives to Christ. It is a free gift offered to all.
It can be an easy decision or it may be a struggle for power.
It is not easy to give up your own will for the will of God.
It is not always easy to trust in God.
It is not easy to be broken so Christ can make you new again in His image.

My prayer is that we make sure the people we love know about Christ.
We must be sure that they are offered His free gift.
We must live a life that others will want to know what we know, to have what we have.

My prayer is for those who are in the midst of grief right now.
May we be sensitive to their grief.
May we come along side of them and just sit with them.
May peace be brought to them in the midst of tragedy and sadness.

My prayer is for myself.
May I be able to empathize with others and be patient.
May I be able to be the hands and feet of my Lord and Savior to others in my life.

So this is how it feels...

Let me start off with I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT

But I have always tried to be a good person, a good wife, a good parent.

So this is how it feels to be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash.

I always submitted in the big things and most of the little things. I never even thought I had anything to be concerned about my husband's love and loyalty for me. I never once thought about not being married to him. He was my first in every way.

I always tried to be fair with the kids. I tried to understand where they were coming from when they did or said something wrong. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt if I didn't know for sure.

I have one child who has tried to hurt me in every way possible. Lies, continued lies, physical abuse towards me, lies, and did I say others in authority believe her lies. They did not ask me if they were true, they just believed what she said. I have been through hell and back because of the lies. They did not believe anything I, my husband or other children had to say. Just her lies. Even through it I tried to reach out to her and understand why. Even now she continues with the lies and tries to just hurt me.

My husband "fell in love" with someone else. He has left me. He has left me with no money, no home, no way for me to support myself. He says it's not my fault and there is nothing I could have done differently. I married him when I was barely 20. It has been 32 years of faithfulness on my part. Oh but his family said they cared. They said it would all be ok.

I have not worked since before I was married. I have no career to fall on. Even Walmart didn't want to hire me. They say I am too smart to work there but don't have the experience to get into management. My children and father have been paying what little bills I have. Just a phone and one storage unit. My friends have helped by storing some of my possessions.

My daughter has taken me in with her household. She is newly a single mom of two. She still has not found a full time job. She works all the time. Applying for jobs, starting her photography business, selling jeans at boutiques and home parties... she has offered her services consulting and mentoring. She is up until 1 or 2 am every day.

But I guess we aren't trying hard enough. We are supposed to lower our standards.

How much lower? We can't move into anything smaller than a 2 bedroom. We have looked at apartments that are only 800 square feet with no laundry or garage. So we didn't want to live in the apartment that was covered in graffiti. That does not seem safe for two women and two children to me. We are looking in all of Orange County and also Lakewood. Long Beach is higher priced and impossible to run a business because of the extreme cost from the city. Are we supposed to move to a questionable area where we might not be safe? We only have one car. That means the kids and I need to be in an area that we can walk outside to go to the market. Or the laundry if no hookups in apartment. Has anyone ever come with us to see what we have looked at? No. Has anyone ever had to use a laundromat with two small children when there is sickness? No. Has anyone ever tried to rent something with no job? That's where it gets really tricky. Even if someone else is offering rent for a few months would you rent to someone with no job?

Obviously I am worthless to many people. I already knew what society in general felt about a stay at home mom. I did have clues to what my extended family felt. They would suggest jobs. But he always told me not to listen. He said homeschooling and being there for the children was the best job. I loved my job. I even knew that many of my church family felt I was lazy not working outside of the home.

But did anyone know exactly what I did do? I fostered over 30 children. I homeschooled through graduation. I went without for myself. I scrimped and saved always for him and the children. I made money doing home parties throughout the years ie. Tupperware, Discovery Toys, Pampered Chef, Creative Circle. I cooked from scratch. I sewed. I cleaned my own house and tried to keep the yards in shape. I learned computers on my own. I learned Publisher and Photoshop on my own and published yearbooks for homeschool groups. I was a Girl Scout leader for 20 years. I became a Girl Scout trainer for other adults that wanted to lead. Those are the highlights...

My children have all learned to be self sufficient. All can learn new skills and will take that throughout their lives. All know the Bible and know about God's character. They are able to discern truth in this life. Even though I obviously was weak at discerning truth, I just believed what people said.

It is very scary to be tossed out into the world without any safety net. I feel like I have lost so much already. Maybe God wants me to have nothing. I don't know. I know I have 3 daughters who love me. I have 2 grandchildren who need me right now. I don't think women were made for this kind of stress. I feel like crying at the least trigger. My daughter has lost a quarter size chunk of hair, had shingles, been to the ER twice and has an ulcer. I feel so bad that she has the added burden of me on her plate. I know I can help with the children and I can be low maintenance but it shouldn't be her responsibility.


Well there it is...and some of you wondered why I haven't written in so long. I am still not sure I should be publishing this but...

My faith in God is stronger than before...He has given me peace throughout...I am still able to worship Him.
I have wavering but I refuse to allow fear to take over. I know He will get me through this. I just have no idea how or when.