Where is the Love of Christ?

Putting my feet in the icy cold water.

I would like to speak to the Church. The people that are in the church.

Where is the Love of Christ in the people?
Why do the people need to hurt others in the name of Christ?
Is Your church growing?  or shrinking?  or staying the same?
Are you growing with new converts? and then losing them? or older members?
Do you ever wonder why the church is losing members?

Do you even care about your brothers and sisters in Christ?

I love The Church.
I feel very hurt by the people in the church.

I feel like the people in the church wish I would just go away.

I was married for 34 years.
I am not now.

I was very young when I married. I chose to commit to him. I chose to continue to love him through it all. I did not want divorce. I was willing to do anything to work through it all.

I was not given an option.
He left.

I am still the same person.
I would never come between a marriage.
I still will not compromise my body outside of marriage.
I still have the same morals and convictions.

The Scarlett letter at Church seems to be D not A.
He has been welcomed into a new congregation alongside his now wife.
They do not suffer the Scarlett letter A.
They receive forgiveness from the people in church.
They are accepted as participating members of the church.
Their past is ignored or forgotten but surely not mentioned.

The Church does not know what to do with me.
I am considered a failure.
I am considered a threat.
I have no place in the Church.

No one has asked.
No one has bothered to try to get to know me.

I am viewed with suspicion by wives as soon as they find out about the D.
I am not allowed to talk to husbands at all.
I am not allowed to interact with males at all unless I want to be the object of gossip.
I am not welcome to sing.
I am not welcome in small groups.

I have no place in the Church.

I am thankful that I have faith that God will take me through anything.
Jesus felt abandoned.
Jesus was viewed with suspicion by the pharisees.
Jesus was not welcomed.
Jesus was killed.

The people in the Church know how to interact with the unsaved.
They do not expect perfection in baby Christians.
They are willing to forgive Christians.

They do not seem to be able to deal with the injured Christians.
They HAVE to find fault in the injured Christian.
They NEED to assume the worst in single divorced women.

Oh, they can give out pity.
They can look that young single mom in the eye and say...
We will be there for you and your young children. We will give you aid.

But where are you?
She is not really wanted. She is not missed. Her children are not missed.
In fact, there is a sigh of relief that those wild kids aren't at church influencing the other kids.

Do you know that children without a father NEED good Christian males to interact?
Do you know that children of divorce are in pain?
Do you really care or do you think these children are a hopeless cause so why really bother?

The people in the Church can gossip by turning it into a prayer.
God Bless the single mom. We pray that she is strong and does not fall to sexual sin now that she is lonely. Oh protect our single men from the single mom.
God Bless the single woman who was married a long time. We pray her ex is able to recover from the harm she must have brought him during his long-suffering marriage to her. Protect our husbands from this viper.

Do you wonder why divorced women would choose to just stop coming?
Do you really even care?
It is much easier to allow them to leave.
Many of them will fall anyway so at least it won't be here.

Until the people in the Church choose to love each and every person who comes their way...
Until the people in the Church choose to take the risk to love...
Until the people in the Church step out of their own comfort zones...

People will continue to be hurt
People will continue to be lost
People will continue to become bitter
People will continue to lose hope

I am hurt.
I am Not Lost
I am Not Bitter
I still have Hope

I choose to love each person who comes into my life.
I choose to risk that they are not be perfect and may hurt me.
I choose to step out of my comfort zones.
I choose The Church of Christ.
I choose Christ.

I however do not choose to continue to allow people to hurt me.
I am an UN-churched Christian.
I am sad that this is how the Church treats those with the Scarlett single D.
I pray daily that people in the Church will wake up and see the pain that they cause others.
This is just one kind of pain they cause...I have sorrowed for years over the pain the people in the church have caused in others who have crossed my path.

When will it end?

Will it end with YOU?

Thanksgiving 2013

30 days of Thankfulness -  Day 1 I am thankful that even when the truth hurts it sets you free.

Day2- I am thankful for the beauty of the PNW. And to think that I can smell the salty Sound, or go on a hike in the forest or go play on a mountain any day.

Day 3 - I am thankful there are choices in which to worship. Of course the search for the right one is not always fun...

Day 4 - I am thankful for the age 3 and that it is only temporary.

Day 5 - I am thankful for family that loves me and does not kick me out of the family when most other families would.

Day 6 - I am thankful for Floyd Strater. He was a very good pastor who remembered my name out of context two weeks after meeting him. I can't tell you what an impression that made on a 23 year old woman with very low expectations. I know I will see him again and he will probably still know my name.

Day 7 - Thankful for phones and internet that make keeping in touch across the miles so easy.

Day 8 - I am thankful for peace that is not understood but deeply felt.

Day 9 - I am thankful that I have half my life to live still (God willing) and can dream and reach those dreams.

Day 10 - I am thankful for the joys and blessings being Mimi brings.

Day 11
Today I am thankful for literacy. It's more than phonics.

Day 12 - thankful for chocolate chip cookies...well any kind of cookies...ok chocolate too.

Day 13 - I am thankful for the friendships I have with my daughters. I love seeing how they have grown into beautiful adults and am grateful to be such a part of their grown up lives.

Day 14 - thankful for sleep

Day 15 - I am thankful for shelter from the storms both literally and figuratively.

Day 16

I am thankful I am blessed with parents who love me and still tell encourage me when I need it.

Day 17 - I am thankful for hot tea. There are so many different kinds that each day can be a new adventure. However it's nice to start the day with one of a few favorites.

Day 18 - Thankful for the holidays. I love the music, sappy movies and smells of Christmas and Thanksgiving!

Day 19 - thankful for all my FB friends...today they have reminded me that
1 - God has a plan
2 - He is there regardless of my feelings
3 - He is concerned about my smallest needs

Thank you FB people...

Days 20, 21 and 22
Thanks when I cannot think of anything because He carries me through...

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One...

And now let the weak say I am strong
Let the poor say I am rich
Because of what The Lord has done for us...

Day 23 - it's the little things that bring joy...oatmeal cookies, meatballs with cheese and fresh garlic, texting, that blade of grass popping up in unexpected places...I am thankful I can stop and experience the little things.

Day 24 - thankful for friendships that stand the test of time.

Day 25 - Give thanks to The Lord for he is good, His mercy endures forever.

Day 26 - thankful that today is the 26th...I am so overwhelmed with numbers here in the PNW. They don't have names for most of the streets, just numbers and more than one street gets the same number. Sometimes the streets are parallel and next to each other.

Day 27 - I am thankful not only for what God has done and still will do but for who He Is...

Day 28 - I am thankful for the heritage that is passed down from generation to generation. I am also grateful to discover more and more rich heritage through researching our family tree.

Day 29 - I am thankful for change...I do like variety so change can be good.

The Irresistible Wife

The sermon this week was The Irresistible Wife.

I figured I should really pay attention to this one as I obviously was Not Irresistible.

First point - Mother Second, Wife First

God is a God of order. He set an order to His creation. He made Adam first and the first relationship was between Adam and God. He then made Eve out of Adam. The second relationship was between Adam and Eve, husband and wife. Then the children came. We are to be a wife to our husbands first. Children should be second to our husbands. Children grow up and leave to have families of their own. When that happens what kind of relationship will we have as a couple if we have not put that relationship first throughout the children years?

How do I think I did?
I will admit that it is a tendency to put the children first. They start out totally helpless. They need guidance. They are cute.

I do think I put my husband first. While our lifestyle was homeschooling/attachment parenting, we did leave our children regularly with others so we could be just together. Just the two of us out and about.

Sometimes it was a struggle to not just talk about the kids when we were out. I usually caught myself if that was happening. I would ask about work. I would ask how he was doing. I would ask about his friends.

Second point - Respectful
I believe that I have respected my husband throughout our marriage.
Some of the examples Pastor shared did make me stop and think. Was I always respectful? Did my tone of voice show respect?
I can honestly say that the skit was not anything like our marriage.
I did ask my daughters if they thought I showed respect for their father. They all quickly responded YES. It was something they noticed. They said they never could understand how I could respect him even when he was wrong. They said I did not receive much respect back, but I did not demand or even require it.

How do I think I did?
I know that I respected my husband. I believed him at his word. I backed him up. I did not correct him in public or in front of the kids. I hope he knew that I respected him.

Third point - Submissive

I agree that being a submissive wife is part of God's plan for order. Submit is to arrange under.

How do I think I did?
Yes I was submissive in that I arranged myself under the authority of my husband. We did have disagreements in our marriage in the later years. I still submitted to his final decisions if we did not fully agree. I was not a doormat. We talked things through. We prayed about big decisions.
I know that some people important to me felt that I should have questioned him more. I had prayed about this and felt that silence and acceptance was the best choice for me. Looking back I would not change anything in this area of submission to my husband.


Fourth point - Willing Love maker

My body was his and his mine. We did not deprive one another. I think we did have a few dry spells but I think they were mutual. They were mostly periods of exhaustion for both or one or the other of us. I planned and initiated as much as he.

This is an area that I did not think we had a problem. I actually thought everything was going to be fine because behind the bedroom door was fine.

Fifth point - Inward and Outward Beauty

Of course this is a very difficult one to self evaluate. I tend to see the ugly parts. So again I asked my daughters. They said they think I am a peaceful and kind person. I will accept their viewpoint. I know that I have struggled with some minor depression here and there. I also know that I have struggled with anger and discontent. I do not wear a lot of makeup but my husband has told me he likes the clean face look. I did not shop for clothes or shoes very often but my clothes are clean and in good repair.

Sixth point - Fun

Pastor talked about doing things together. He said having some common interests was very vital to a good marriage. Wives are not his mother or holy spirit.

How do I think I did?

We had weekly dates during most of our marriage. We would go to the movies, or just dinner. We mostly would just go somewhere and chat. The beach was our favorite place. When the girls were older we would take advantage of youth group nights to go sit at the beach or just drive around.

I watched all sports with him. My brother played baseball and football so I had a basic understanding of both games. Basketball was a little harder for me but he was not a big basketball fan. We shared a love of music and worship ministry. I would sometimes just go with him to preview houses so we could just be together. We laughed and had our inside jokes and songs.

Seventh point - Encourager

I see this as a weakness in me. However many friends and family have told me that I am a great encouragement. My husband has said I have encouraged him to reach for his dreams. I was willing to step back and take care of the home and be frugal so he could be self employed. He was not happy working a regular 9-5 job. I thought I was encouraging when he wanted to lose weight. He said I was upset that I couldn't seem to lose as quickly and he took it as not encouraging him. If only I had known that at the time. I was annoyed for me but always glad for him.


I am not sure exactly where I went wrong in my marriage. Pastor made several comments regarding men who look outside of the marriage for emotional validation. I still do not know what I could have done different. My husband has said that I didn't do anything wrong. He said there was nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything. I hope he is right.

If  I was getting a do-over

I would probably not take him for granted. I never thought I needed to be concerned that he would leave. I so fully loved and trusted him that even though deep down I thought I was not worthy to be loved I thought he would always be there. I had deep insecurities about myself but not him. If I could go back in time I would be stronger and more sure of my own worth. I still would give him my love and trust. I just can't imagine being in a marriage without trust.

I would be more careful about my own appearance. I would get rid of stuff more often and would not let him see if it was hard for me.

I would definitely make sure I knew more about our finances. I would still have allowed him to run the finances if he wanted but I would insist on knowing. I am a capable woman financially and now I  have to fix my own credit because of me not knowing what was going on financially in my own marriage. I am not sure how this could have been done better without finances becoming a huge disagreement but I sure as heck would find a way.

I would be bolder. I am by nature a peace maker and sometimes put peace above absolute truth from others in my life. I have serious difficulty discerning lies from those I love. I can spot it in strangers and acquaintances but not those close to me. I always give the benefit of the doubt. Unless I knew for sure it was a lie I believed it. This is true with all of my close relationships so this is one I can work on. I just don't want to become suspicious of everyone and everything. I have been reading up on body language clues and speech clues in liars and its starting to help me with certain 2 and 5 year old. That's a start at least.

I would hug in public. I would say more affirming things. I probably would not share my pain because in the last years of my marriage it made him angry with me. I would probably not tell him about things I was thinking or my dreams. I would keep a part of me walled away. I think I relied on him too much. I told him everything, I mean everything. What happened, where I was, what I was thinking, what I was feeling, Everything.

But there are no do-overs in life. So...

I will heal.
I will live.
I will love my God with all my heart, soul and mind.
I will worship.
I will laugh.
I will love.
I will trust.
I will still be me. (and probably still share way more than you want to know)

My prayer and hope in time of sorrow

I am sad today.

Our piano player from church who was also a very good friend passed away right before Thanksgiving. I miss him. I miss his music. I miss his laugh and ironic sense of humor. I miss his encouragement.

Just days later a friend lost her battle with cancer. She was well loved by everyone who knew her. The memorial service was packed on a weekday.

A sweet friend is going through a terrible tragedy. She lost her 3 year old granddaughter and her son-in-law is in critical condition. They were hit by a car while waiting at a bus stop. Her daughter was also there. I can't imagine the trauma of seeing this horrendous accident that took a child and almost took an husband.

These events have not only affected me. My daughters were all hit with them too. The last one has touched my grandson also.

These are the times when we need each other. These are the times when God draws us closer to both himself and to others.

It is ok to be sad. Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time to weep. We are to weep with those who weep. Jesus himself wept over the loss of a friend. This is a time of weeping.

The sun will shine again. We will not be sad forever.

We will suffer loss again. We do not know when but it will come again.

My prayer is that we learn to grieve and also rejoice.
All three are now sitting with Christ in heaven. It makes my heart glad to know that while their families are sad and grieve the loss of their loved ones they also have the assurance that they can see them again in heaven. 
This is of course if they also have given their lives to Christ. It is a free gift offered to all.
It can be an easy decision or it may be a struggle for power.
It is not easy to give up your own will for the will of God.
It is not always easy to trust in God.
It is not easy to be broken so Christ can make you new again in His image.

My prayer is that we make sure the people we love know about Christ.
We must be sure that they are offered His free gift.
We must live a life that others will want to know what we know, to have what we have.

My prayer is for those who are in the midst of grief right now.
May we be sensitive to their grief.
May we come along side of them and just sit with them.
May peace be brought to them in the midst of tragedy and sadness.

My prayer is for myself.
May I be able to empathize with others and be patient.
May I be able to be the hands and feet of my Lord and Savior to others in my life.

So this is how it feels...

Let me start off with I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT

But I have always tried to be a good person, a good wife, a good parent.

So this is how it feels to be kicked to the curb like a piece of trash.

I always submitted in the big things and most of the little things. I never even thought I had anything to be concerned about my husband's love and loyalty for me. I never once thought about not being married to him. He was my first in every way.

I always tried to be fair with the kids. I tried to understand where they were coming from when they did or said something wrong. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt if I didn't know for sure.

I have one child who has tried to hurt me in every way possible. Lies, continued lies, physical abuse towards me, lies, and did I say others in authority believe her lies. They did not ask me if they were true, they just believed what she said. I have been through hell and back because of the lies. They did not believe anything I, my husband or other children had to say. Just her lies. Even through it I tried to reach out to her and understand why. Even now she continues with the lies and tries to just hurt me.

My husband "fell in love" with someone else. He has left me. He has left me with no money, no home, no way for me to support myself. He says it's not my fault and there is nothing I could have done differently. I married him when I was barely 20. It has been 32 years of faithfulness on my part. Oh but his family said they cared. They said it would all be ok.

I have not worked since before I was married. I have no career to fall on. Even Walmart didn't want to hire me. They say I am too smart to work there but don't have the experience to get into management. My children and father have been paying what little bills I have. Just a phone and one storage unit. My friends have helped by storing some of my possessions.

My daughter has taken me in with her household. She is newly a single mom of two. She still has not found a full time job. She works all the time. Applying for jobs, starting her photography business, selling jeans at boutiques and home parties... she has offered her services consulting and mentoring. She is up until 1 or 2 am every day.

But I guess we aren't trying hard enough. We are supposed to lower our standards.

How much lower? We can't move into anything smaller than a 2 bedroom. We have looked at apartments that are only 800 square feet with no laundry or garage. So we didn't want to live in the apartment that was covered in graffiti. That does not seem safe for two women and two children to me. We are looking in all of Orange County and also Lakewood. Long Beach is higher priced and impossible to run a business because of the extreme cost from the city. Are we supposed to move to a questionable area where we might not be safe? We only have one car. That means the kids and I need to be in an area that we can walk outside to go to the market. Or the laundry if no hookups in apartment. Has anyone ever come with us to see what we have looked at? No. Has anyone ever had to use a laundromat with two small children when there is sickness? No. Has anyone ever tried to rent something with no job? That's where it gets really tricky. Even if someone else is offering rent for a few months would you rent to someone with no job?

Obviously I am worthless to many people. I already knew what society in general felt about a stay at home mom. I did have clues to what my extended family felt. They would suggest jobs. But he always told me not to listen. He said homeschooling and being there for the children was the best job. I loved my job. I even knew that many of my church family felt I was lazy not working outside of the home.

But did anyone know exactly what I did do? I fostered over 30 children. I homeschooled through graduation. I went without for myself. I scrimped and saved always for him and the children. I made money doing home parties throughout the years ie. Tupperware, Discovery Toys, Pampered Chef, Creative Circle. I cooked from scratch. I sewed. I cleaned my own house and tried to keep the yards in shape. I learned computers on my own. I learned Publisher and Photoshop on my own and published yearbooks for homeschool groups. I was a Girl Scout leader for 20 years. I became a Girl Scout trainer for other adults that wanted to lead. Those are the highlights...

My children have all learned to be self sufficient. All can learn new skills and will take that throughout their lives. All know the Bible and know about God's character. They are able to discern truth in this life. Even though I obviously was weak at discerning truth, I just believed what people said.

It is very scary to be tossed out into the world without any safety net. I feel like I have lost so much already. Maybe God wants me to have nothing. I don't know. I know I have 3 daughters who love me. I have 2 grandchildren who need me right now. I don't think women were made for this kind of stress. I feel like crying at the least trigger. My daughter has lost a quarter size chunk of hair, had shingles, been to the ER twice and has an ulcer. I feel so bad that she has the added burden of me on her plate. I know I can help with the children and I can be low maintenance but it shouldn't be her responsibility.


Well there it is...and some of you wondered why I haven't written in so long. I am still not sure I should be publishing this but...

My faith in God is stronger than before...He has given me peace throughout...I am still able to worship Him.
I have wavering but I refuse to allow fear to take over. I know He will get me through this. I just have no idea how or when.

Love others as you love yourself

Apparently I put out to people that I don't love myself enough.
I am sorry some of you think that is true.
It is not true.

I care about myself. I also care about others.

Why is that a conflict?

I will share some more about myself and maybe you will understand that I am doing what I love.

I love singing and worship.

I am on the worship team at church.
I get to practice every week. If you can call worshiping with the team practice.

I love reading.
I read every day.
I read my Bible every day.
I read some select news articles every day.

I have a huge library in storage, yes it has been cut by over half but it is still huge.
I have acquired a huge library on Kindle since my real books are in storage.
I read magazines anytime I find one. I have subscriptions on Zinio to some of my favorite magazines.

I love teaching.
I had the privilege of teaching my children, two of them all the way through high school.
They are successful young adults. All of them went to college and are succeeding.
I now have the privilege to teach my grandchildren.

I enjoy learning.
I attend Bible studies with other women.
I get to plan lessons and research curriculum to help my daughter direct her children's education.
I learn something every day.

I love sewing, stitchery, knitting.
I am currently working on a counted cross stitch.
It is difficult with small children around but that doesn't mean I don't pull it out here and there and work on it.

There is a time and season for everything.
I may not be doing what I thought I would be doing now but God is watching over me.
God will take care of me and he gives me peace and joy every day.
God sees the whole picture. I only see a small part. You only see a small part.

I just finished reading Ecclesiastes and I enjoy life as it comes. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. There is no sense worrying about tomorrow. I do not have control of the future.
I have control over myself. I can choose to control my emotions, actions and motives.
Ecclesiastes 12  It is all meaningless. Fear God and obey his commands. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.

Just stop Judging...

Why is it that people assume it must be the wife's fault if a man strays?

The person who strays had a choice.
They could have chosen to remain faithful.

Seriously, what do you really think a wife must have done or not done to cause a husband to walk away?
How do you think she feels? Isn't she hurt enough without the added burdens and accusations from her brothers and sisters in Christ?

Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps she trusted and believed her man would never do this?
Is it that difficult to understand that a wife really thought her marriage was good?
When finding out is it really impossible to forgive and believe it was over and the marriage being rebuilt?

Did you already know about it? Why didn't you say something to her? Did you really believe she knew and was just allowing it?

I just don't understand why Christians judge others without really knowing anything. Have you ever bothered to ask?

It really seems unloving to decide that when one spouse decides to be unfaithful and continue to be unfaithful that the spouse who has remained faithful take the blame.