Toughen up Buttercup OR Be gentle

My feelings have been hurt. My motives were misjudged. When I apologized and tried to correct the wrong assumptions regarding my statement I was scolded like I was a child who just did not know any better.

Why does it hurt? Why do I even care? 

I know that what others think about me doesn't really matter. God knows my heart so it shouldn't matter what people think about me.

But it does matter. 

I profess to have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

I did think before I wrote. I did not choose sides or start an attack against the original plea for action. I was not criticizing anyone or any particular ideology. 

I do respect others opinions. I was not even asking for a change of opinion.

I was asking for truth. I was requesting that people look at and try to understand both sides of an issue before they act. 

There is so much conflict in this world. I am aware that there has always been and will always be conflict. My desire is that we as followers of Christ become peacemakers. You cannot make emotional decisions based on one side of an issue. You must be able to rationally look at both sides before you make a judgement.

There is so much propaganda everywhere. I do not want to be a part of the crowd that does not use critical reasoning skills. I refuse to rush to judgement especially when people are involved and may be hurt by even just one more person. These are the days of petitions and protests. There are usually two sides to any situation or problem. If we do not at least listen to the other side how can we fully support the side we think we are on?

This applies to so many.
Vaccinate or not
sign a petition or don't sign
politics - nothing more be said here
support a cause
protest a cause
watch or don't watch a movie or tv show
listen or don't listen to music by specific artists

I could give many more examples but I think you get the idea. We as a society seem to pick sides and attacking the other side is easier than defending or defining our own position.

I challenge you to choose with wisdom what side you are on. 

I challenge you to be able to support your side without attacking the other side.

If you need to use pros and cons do it without personally attacking people. Attack the issue if you must be do not vilify the people who disagree.

I challenge Christians to put grace and love ahead of yourselves and the need to be Right.

He has made me strong

Memories.

I do not have a very good memory. I have always had trouble remembering details but maybe I just don't really notice the details in the first place. I've come to realize I don't have a very good visual memory.

I usually have more of a global memory of the past. I remember feelings and smells. 

So it always amazes me when something triggers a memory of when I was a child. 

Sometimes it's a pleasant memory and I remember being free as a child. I can remember ice cream cones and donuts with my dad. I remember going to Woolworths in Pasadena with my Grandma. I remember threading the same grandma's needles after church on Sunday's at the rest home. 50 black and 50 white because her sight was failing but she could differentiate between light and dark thread. 

Often it's a mixed memory. I remember the extreme fear when a couple in a car stopped us on our way home. They said my mom had been in an accident and might die. That we were to get in the car with them and they would take us to her. I especially remember the loud "No! Don't get in that car" and the feeling of being grabbed by the back of my shirt while I grabbed my sister and being tossed away from the couple. Feet hit the sidewalk running. Ran home and there was my mom; upset because we were late. The next day two girls bodies were found in the foothills. I believe God sent an Angel to protect us.

I am more surprised when someone says or does something and a bad memory surfaces. Things I have pushed aside for years. It comes rushing back with all the emotions that accompanied the event the first time. 

I wonder if I don't have such a poor memory but have pushed aside so much that I just have vague memories of the past. 

I know that there is healing.

Maybe I wasn't strong enough before...

I am weak but He has made (is making) me strong.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I Won't Grow Up

I have learned the hard way that caring about others and being a nice person will only bring you pain. No one will ever truly care or love you the way you care or love. So what's the point of trying? 

I wonder if this is how God feels about us? If he can keep on loving us I can keep on. But I'm not God so I will have to try harder. However maybe the lesson is that I only show my"self" to those who want to know me and just keep quiet for everyone else.

I had preconceived ideas about family and friendships. I keep thinking that if I just keep turning the other cheek eventually they would see how much I truly care and love them. I thought that if I was more patient and kept myself from acting or speaking in anger or out of hurt that eventually they would know I care. I was thinking that if I acted and stated that I was fine I would be fine. I really used to believe that love covers a multitude...

Maybe I have finally grown up. I am done turning the other cheek. I will walk away for good.

I am done keeping quiet. I will tell you you have hurt me.

I am not just fine.

Love may cover a multitude of ... Fill in the blank. 

I will not stop caring but I will not be there anymore.

I will not stop loving but now you will have to ask.

I really wonder if this is what God feels all the time about us.

He is just waiting for us to come to him.

He loves and cares about us.

He turns the other cheek when we use His name in vain. Otherwise we would all be dead.

He is quiet...until we come to Him.

He is so incredibly patient. He longs for all to come to know Him.

He is holding back His righteous anger so that more may come to know Him.

He is the One who commands us to love one another.

Ok

My dear ones, my loved ones, my family, my friends...

I will continue to be me. I cannot change the way God made me. 

Yes I may be passive aggressive, slow to anger but when I blow I can really blow. But it's over quickly and I am truly sorry and do apologize.

I pray for God to give us more time. 

I pray for love to win.

I pray for you to see.

I pray that I never "grow up" and lose sight of what is true.

Where is the Love of Christ?

Putting my feet in the icy cold water.

I would like to speak to the Church. The people that are in the church.

Where is the Love of Christ in the people?
Why do the people need to hurt others in the name of Christ?
Is Your church growing?  or shrinking?  or staying the same?
Are you growing with new converts? and then losing them? or older members?
Do you ever wonder why the church is losing members?

Do you even care about your brothers and sisters in Christ?

I love The Church.
I feel very hurt by the people in the church.

I feel like the people in the church wish I would just go away.

I was married for 34 years.
I am not now.

I was very young when I married. I chose to commit to him. I chose to continue to love him through it all. I did not want divorce. I was willing to do anything to work through it all.

I was not given an option.
He left.

I am still the same person.
I would never come between a marriage.
I still will not compromise my body outside of marriage.
I still have the same morals and convictions.

The Scarlett letter at Church seems to be D not A.
He has been welcomed into a new congregation alongside his now wife.
They do not suffer the Scarlett letter A.
They receive forgiveness from the people in church.
They are accepted as participating members of the church.
Their past is ignored or forgotten but surely not mentioned.

The Church does not know what to do with me.
I am considered a failure.
I am considered a threat.
I have no place in the Church.

No one has asked.
No one has bothered to try to get to know me.

I am viewed with suspicion by wives as soon as they find out about the D.
I am not allowed to talk to husbands at all.
I am not allowed to interact with males at all unless I want to be the object of gossip.
I am not welcome to sing.
I am not welcome in small groups.

I have no place in the Church.

I am thankful that I have faith that God will take me through anything.
Jesus felt abandoned.
Jesus was viewed with suspicion by the pharisees.
Jesus was not welcomed.
Jesus was killed.

The people in the Church know how to interact with the unsaved.
They do not expect perfection in baby Christians.
They are willing to forgive Christians.

They do not seem to be able to deal with the injured Christians.
They HAVE to find fault in the injured Christian.
They NEED to assume the worst in single divorced women.

Oh, they can give out pity.
They can look that young single mom in the eye and say...
We will be there for you and your young children. We will give you aid.

But where are you?
She is not really wanted. She is not missed. Her children are not missed.
In fact, there is a sigh of relief that those wild kids aren't at church influencing the other kids.

Do you know that children without a father NEED good Christian males to interact?
Do you know that children of divorce are in pain?
Do you really care or do you think these children are a hopeless cause so why really bother?

The people in the Church can gossip by turning it into a prayer.
God Bless the single mom. We pray that she is strong and does not fall to sexual sin now that she is lonely. Oh protect our single men from the single mom.
God Bless the single woman who was married a long time. We pray her ex is able to recover from the harm she must have brought him during his long-suffering marriage to her. Protect our husbands from this viper.

Do you wonder why divorced women would choose to just stop coming?
Do you really even care?
It is much easier to allow them to leave.
Many of them will fall anyway so at least it won't be here.

Until the people in the Church choose to love each and every person who comes their way...
Until the people in the Church choose to take the risk to love...
Until the people in the Church step out of their own comfort zones...

People will continue to be hurt
People will continue to be lost
People will continue to become bitter
People will continue to lose hope

I am hurt.
I am Not Lost
I am Not Bitter
I still have Hope

I choose to love each person who comes into my life.
I choose to risk that they are not be perfect and may hurt me.
I choose to step out of my comfort zones.
I choose The Church of Christ.
I choose Christ.

I however do not choose to continue to allow people to hurt me.
I am an UN-churched Christian.
I am sad that this is how the Church treats those with the Scarlett single D.
I pray daily that people in the Church will wake up and see the pain that they cause others.
This is just one kind of pain they cause...I have sorrowed for years over the pain the people in the church have caused in others who have crossed my path.

When will it end?

Will it end with YOU?

Thanksgiving 2013

30 days of Thankfulness -  Day 1 I am thankful that even when the truth hurts it sets you free.

Day2- I am thankful for the beauty of the PNW. And to think that I can smell the salty Sound, or go on a hike in the forest or go play on a mountain any day.

Day 3 - I am thankful there are choices in which to worship. Of course the search for the right one is not always fun...

Day 4 - I am thankful for the age 3 and that it is only temporary.

Day 5 - I am thankful for family that loves me and does not kick me out of the family when most other families would.

Day 6 - I am thankful for Floyd Strater. He was a very good pastor who remembered my name out of context two weeks after meeting him. I can't tell you what an impression that made on a 23 year old woman with very low expectations. I know I will see him again and he will probably still know my name.

Day 7 - Thankful for phones and internet that make keeping in touch across the miles so easy.

Day 8 - I am thankful for peace that is not understood but deeply felt.

Day 9 - I am thankful that I have half my life to live still (God willing) and can dream and reach those dreams.

Day 10 - I am thankful for the joys and blessings being Mimi brings.

Day 11
Today I am thankful for literacy. It's more than phonics.

Day 12 - thankful for chocolate chip cookies...well any kind of cookies...ok chocolate too.

Day 13 - I am thankful for the friendships I have with my daughters. I love seeing how they have grown into beautiful adults and am grateful to be such a part of their grown up lives.

Day 14 - thankful for sleep

Day 15 - I am thankful for shelter from the storms both literally and figuratively.

Day 16

I am thankful I am blessed with parents who love me and still tell encourage me when I need it.

Day 17 - I am thankful for hot tea. There are so many different kinds that each day can be a new adventure. However it's nice to start the day with one of a few favorites.

Day 18 - Thankful for the holidays. I love the music, sappy movies and smells of Christmas and Thanksgiving!

Day 19 - thankful for all my FB friends...today they have reminded me that
1 - God has a plan
2 - He is there regardless of my feelings
3 - He is concerned about my smallest needs

Thank you FB people...

Days 20, 21 and 22
Thanks when I cannot think of anything because He carries me through...

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks to the Holy One...

And now let the weak say I am strong
Let the poor say I am rich
Because of what The Lord has done for us...

Day 23 - it's the little things that bring joy...oatmeal cookies, meatballs with cheese and fresh garlic, texting, that blade of grass popping up in unexpected places...I am thankful I can stop and experience the little things.

Day 24 - thankful for friendships that stand the test of time.

Day 25 - Give thanks to The Lord for he is good, His mercy endures forever.

Day 26 - thankful that today is the 26th...I am so overwhelmed with numbers here in the PNW. They don't have names for most of the streets, just numbers and more than one street gets the same number. Sometimes the streets are parallel and next to each other.

Day 27 - I am thankful not only for what God has done and still will do but for who He Is...

Day 28 - I am thankful for the heritage that is passed down from generation to generation. I am also grateful to discover more and more rich heritage through researching our family tree.

Day 29 - I am thankful for change...I do like variety so change can be good.

The Irresistible Wife

The sermon this week was The Irresistible Wife.

I figured I should really pay attention to this one as I obviously was Not Irresistible.

First point - Mother Second, Wife First

God is a God of order. He set an order to His creation. He made Adam first and the first relationship was between Adam and God. He then made Eve out of Adam. The second relationship was between Adam and Eve, husband and wife. Then the children came. We are to be a wife to our husbands first. Children should be second to our husbands. Children grow up and leave to have families of their own. When that happens what kind of relationship will we have as a couple if we have not put that relationship first throughout the children years?

How do I think I did?
I will admit that it is a tendency to put the children first. They start out totally helpless. They need guidance. They are cute.

I do think I put my husband first. While our lifestyle was homeschooling/attachment parenting, we did leave our children regularly with others so we could be just together. Just the two of us out and about.

Sometimes it was a struggle to not just talk about the kids when we were out. I usually caught myself if that was happening. I would ask about work. I would ask how he was doing. I would ask about his friends.

Second point - Respectful
I believe that I have respected my husband throughout our marriage.
Some of the examples Pastor shared did make me stop and think. Was I always respectful? Did my tone of voice show respect?
I can honestly say that the skit was not anything like our marriage.
I did ask my daughters if they thought I showed respect for their father. They all quickly responded YES. It was something they noticed. They said they never could understand how I could respect him even when he was wrong. They said I did not receive much respect back, but I did not demand or even require it.

How do I think I did?
I know that I respected my husband. I believed him at his word. I backed him up. I did not correct him in public or in front of the kids. I hope he knew that I respected him.

Third point - Submissive

I agree that being a submissive wife is part of God's plan for order. Submit is to arrange under.

How do I think I did?
Yes I was submissive in that I arranged myself under the authority of my husband. We did have disagreements in our marriage in the later years. I still submitted to his final decisions if we did not fully agree. I was not a doormat. We talked things through. We prayed about big decisions.
I know that some people important to me felt that I should have questioned him more. I had prayed about this and felt that silence and acceptance was the best choice for me. Looking back I would not change anything in this area of submission to my husband.


Fourth point - Willing Love maker

My body was his and his mine. We did not deprive one another. I think we did have a few dry spells but I think they were mutual. They were mostly periods of exhaustion for both or one or the other of us. I planned and initiated as much as he.

This is an area that I did not think we had a problem. I actually thought everything was going to be fine because behind the bedroom door was fine.

Fifth point - Inward and Outward Beauty

Of course this is a very difficult one to self evaluate. I tend to see the ugly parts. So again I asked my daughters. They said they think I am a peaceful and kind person. I will accept their viewpoint. I know that I have struggled with some minor depression here and there. I also know that I have struggled with anger and discontent. I do not wear a lot of makeup but my husband has told me he likes the clean face look. I did not shop for clothes or shoes very often but my clothes are clean and in good repair.

Sixth point - Fun

Pastor talked about doing things together. He said having some common interests was very vital to a good marriage. Wives are not his mother or holy spirit.

How do I think I did?

We had weekly dates during most of our marriage. We would go to the movies, or just dinner. We mostly would just go somewhere and chat. The beach was our favorite place. When the girls were older we would take advantage of youth group nights to go sit at the beach or just drive around.

I watched all sports with him. My brother played baseball and football so I had a basic understanding of both games. Basketball was a little harder for me but he was not a big basketball fan. We shared a love of music and worship ministry. I would sometimes just go with him to preview houses so we could just be together. We laughed and had our inside jokes and songs.

Seventh point - Encourager

I see this as a weakness in me. However many friends and family have told me that I am a great encouragement. My husband has said I have encouraged him to reach for his dreams. I was willing to step back and take care of the home and be frugal so he could be self employed. He was not happy working a regular 9-5 job. I thought I was encouraging when he wanted to lose weight. He said I was upset that I couldn't seem to lose as quickly and he took it as not encouraging him. If only I had known that at the time. I was annoyed for me but always glad for him.


I am not sure exactly where I went wrong in my marriage. Pastor made several comments regarding men who look outside of the marriage for emotional validation. I still do not know what I could have done different. My husband has said that I didn't do anything wrong. He said there was nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything. I hope he is right.

If  I was getting a do-over

I would probably not take him for granted. I never thought I needed to be concerned that he would leave. I so fully loved and trusted him that even though deep down I thought I was not worthy to be loved I thought he would always be there. I had deep insecurities about myself but not him. If I could go back in time I would be stronger and more sure of my own worth. I still would give him my love and trust. I just can't imagine being in a marriage without trust.

I would be more careful about my own appearance. I would get rid of stuff more often and would not let him see if it was hard for me.

I would definitely make sure I knew more about our finances. I would still have allowed him to run the finances if he wanted but I would insist on knowing. I am a capable woman financially and now I  have to fix my own credit because of me not knowing what was going on financially in my own marriage. I am not sure how this could have been done better without finances becoming a huge disagreement but I sure as heck would find a way.

I would be bolder. I am by nature a peace maker and sometimes put peace above absolute truth from others in my life. I have serious difficulty discerning lies from those I love. I can spot it in strangers and acquaintances but not those close to me. I always give the benefit of the doubt. Unless I knew for sure it was a lie I believed it. This is true with all of my close relationships so this is one I can work on. I just don't want to become suspicious of everyone and everything. I have been reading up on body language clues and speech clues in liars and its starting to help me with certain 2 and 5 year old. That's a start at least.

I would hug in public. I would say more affirming things. I probably would not share my pain because in the last years of my marriage it made him angry with me. I would probably not tell him about things I was thinking or my dreams. I would keep a part of me walled away. I think I relied on him too much. I told him everything, I mean everything. What happened, where I was, what I was thinking, what I was feeling, Everything.

But there are no do-overs in life. So...

I will heal.
I will live.
I will love my God with all my heart, soul and mind.
I will worship.
I will laugh.
I will love.
I will trust.
I will still be me. (and probably still share way more than you want to know)

My prayer and hope in time of sorrow

I am sad today.

Our piano player from church who was also a very good friend passed away right before Thanksgiving. I miss him. I miss his music. I miss his laugh and ironic sense of humor. I miss his encouragement.

Just days later a friend lost her battle with cancer. She was well loved by everyone who knew her. The memorial service was packed on a weekday.

A sweet friend is going through a terrible tragedy. She lost her 3 year old granddaughter and her son-in-law is in critical condition. They were hit by a car while waiting at a bus stop. Her daughter was also there. I can't imagine the trauma of seeing this horrendous accident that took a child and almost took an husband.

These events have not only affected me. My daughters were all hit with them too. The last one has touched my grandson also.

These are the times when we need each other. These are the times when God draws us closer to both himself and to others.

It is ok to be sad. Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time to weep. We are to weep with those who weep. Jesus himself wept over the loss of a friend. This is a time of weeping.

The sun will shine again. We will not be sad forever.

We will suffer loss again. We do not know when but it will come again.

My prayer is that we learn to grieve and also rejoice.
All three are now sitting with Christ in heaven. It makes my heart glad to know that while their families are sad and grieve the loss of their loved ones they also have the assurance that they can see them again in heaven. 
This is of course if they also have given their lives to Christ. It is a free gift offered to all.
It can be an easy decision or it may be a struggle for power.
It is not easy to give up your own will for the will of God.
It is not always easy to trust in God.
It is not easy to be broken so Christ can make you new again in His image.

My prayer is that we make sure the people we love know about Christ.
We must be sure that they are offered His free gift.
We must live a life that others will want to know what we know, to have what we have.

My prayer is for those who are in the midst of grief right now.
May we be sensitive to their grief.
May we come along side of them and just sit with them.
May peace be brought to them in the midst of tragedy and sadness.

My prayer is for myself.
May I be able to empathize with others and be patient.
May I be able to be the hands and feet of my Lord and Savior to others in my life.